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December 20, 2003 Hopefully I Wouldn't Be Like His Wife I think it would be cool to date a boy named Job...like Job in the Bible. Exept people would pronounce his name wrong, and lots of bad things happened to "J ob" Still...at least then I could say I have a Job, eh?
December 20, 2003 I Have A Feeling You Won't I don't think you understand how much I think I need you. I wish you wouldn't dismiss me for reasons of which I'm not quite sure. I just need a chance. I can't promise that I won't let you down...but I can tell you that I'm worth the risk. P.S. that's confidence, not arrogancy I deserve this...just let me try.
December 19, 2003 Fun Wanted I need a date.
December 19, 2003 Tired Of Pretending Not To Notice How You Manipulate Everyone, Tired Of Being Manipulated I'm sorry sweetie, the position of Fake Friend has already been filled.
December 19, 2003 Wanting To Have Someone For Whom To Be Beautiful it's funny...everyone says they like my hair, but I'm not sure if i'm too keen on it. So here I am trying to figure out what to do with this used-to-be-short-but-now-it's-growing-out awkward middle stage. I got my hair all cute and I was like, there...ready to go...and then I realized I did my make up and hair so that I could sit at home on friday night and clean my room. Clean my room. I hope my room thinks I'm beautiful, because I do...even if no one is here to see me and I feel like crap. If you can't feel good, at least you can look good, right?
December 19, 2003 My GPA Sucks I made my mom cry, I think. I started telling her how I really feel about my dad. Nothing new, I just told her how things haven't changed. How I want to cringe when he touches me, and how I hate when he tells me he's missed me because I have to fake a smile, but not reply out of honesty. I don't miss home. She said she didn't want to hear it and walked away. I chased her and told her that I'm going to counseling and I'm going on anti-depressants and that the next time I tell her how lonely I feel and that I have no one to talk to ...I don't want to hear her ever say I can talk to her b/c she said she didn't want to hear it. I told her I didn't want to hear any more talk about it, that's how it's going to be, and just looked at her and told her that I need help and she can't do it for me if she won't even listen to how I really feel. I walked away without a tear. I went to my room and didn't feel a thing. I've practiced that speech so much there was barely any emotion in it anymore. Pure fact. I felt nothing afterwords. I looked at my room and said, boy it's a mess...and started to clean. I fixed my scanner problem...took me about an hour b/c the cords wouldn't reach. I had to pull the tower back halfway...move the shelf up, pull the tower up onto the shelf and then slide the shelf back into it's position. This made it so that the cord for the scanner would reach to the upper level of the desk. Man, was that scary or what. I thought for sure the tower was going to slide off...it must way 50 pounds and I had to awkwardly hold it with one hand. I feel like I really achieved something. Then I looked at the rest of my room and puked. But I have a recliner...so what is there to complain about. I got my psychology book early so I can read the whole thing before I go back to school. This should be fun lol I'm a little excited. But I also have other books I want to read, and scholarships for which to apply. Then again...I don't have a job...so it shouldn't be that hard.
December 19, 2003 Signs Of Time odd things with numbers always occur to me I look at the clock and it says 3:17 and I think of area code. I see this number everywhere. Earlier I was cooking some meatless lasagna and I look to see how much time is left 3:17. Go figure. I buy something, and with tax it comes to 3.65 and I think of how many days are in a year. I check to see how many entries in my diary. 365. I always look at the clock at 3:17 or 4:20. 4:20 more often, but it's so strange. I rarely look at clocks. Funny things with numbers. hm. maybe it's not so funny, but I think it is.
December 18, 2003 What Have I To Offer "It's my birthday tomorrow, no one here could know. I was born this Thursday, twenty-two years ago." It's funny how my sister tells me that I never smile. I feel like I smile. I don't respond to her comment. She persists, telling me how long it's been since she's seen me smile. I still don't respond, hoping what she says isn't real. She's just ten years old I tell myself. Yet she goes on, "I think you might be depressed, Amy." Finally I can't take it anymore...I offer a simple thanks to appease her constant annoyance. I hope she's wrong, but she's the smartest ten year old I know. Just twenty minutes later I'm in the bathroom, and for some reason I feel alone. I remind myself that I'm using the loo and I should be alone, else there is a huge problem occuring. But I start to cry, and I can't figure out a reason. I don't recall her comment, simply try to compose myself. I saw that Ben left me a comment and that makes me pretty happy. I really miss that kid and sample the idea that we could hang out. "You changed your hair." "::excited:: Yeah, I did!" "I don't like it at all." That's just Ben, and you have to love him for that...and the fact that he never shaves. I heard he got a girlfriend. Good for Ben. I can't imagine it. I wonder if he tells her he's going to accompany her to prom and ditches her too. Probably not. I love Ben for no apparent reason. I hope my buddy list is screaming new entry because he's added. They're always the funniest. Kelsey called, right while I was looking for my phone. I remember when that happened with Paul. Did that really mean nothing? I digress. We were supposed to hang out but I kind of didn't call her, for which I feel badly. I do want to hang out, I was just uber tired. I'm a bad friend sometimes. And I ate chicken tonight. I'm considering giving up vegetarianism. I'm so weak. I need to watch the video that converted me again. I used to be so willing. I just don't care anymore. Ugh. I don't like my attitude. "Dreaming about Providence and whether mice or men have second tries. Maybe we've been living with our eyes half-open, maybe we're bent and broken. We were meant to live for so much more." The P's said I could have the recliner for my room. I'm excited. "We want more than this world's got to offer."
December 17, 2003 United Arts And Education Is A Possibility I'm so much better today. It's kind of like last week didnt' happen, because I'm not really feeling the hurt anymore. I feel like I learned a lot from it, but the pain isn't there...for now. I don't really want to talk to him, maybe ever, because we need to talk about everything, but I don't feel like arguing. Anyone who knows me at all, knows I must be changing because it's not like me to not confront my problems. I was proud of myself last night, I woke up with a smile on my face and I was like wow...did I really resist? Then afternoon hit and I screwed up. I guess this is a process. I thought it would be like other things in my life and I could just quit. Even if you don't know what I'm talking about, pray for me. I'm optimistic about going home, though I don't want to work at all...I want to lay around and get things done. Like reading. I want to read. I want to love and volunteer. I want to do all the things I never get to do. Working is not one of those things. Ugh.
December 16, 2003 The Boy Who Always Left Me Out today...the boy who has indirectly made this semester horrible for me...made my terrible week so much better. We had to write an evaluation and tell who had been the most important to our learning experience. I put that I hated to say it, but it was him. "I didn't always like him, and I know he didn't like me, but somehow this worked out to my advantage. His passion for understanding and craving for knowledge was such an inspiration. I could stare at something for ten minutes and not be able to think of a single thing and he would pull out this amazing idea that I never could have thought of. I think he really has talent, but I also think he works harder than anyone and it makes me want to work harder, which is the basis for a plan I intend on implementing next semester." He wrote me the longest comment, this boy who has upset me since the very first day. I thought for sure we were going to get married...he has the most beautiful hair and style, only to find out that he disliked me with a passion. He would talk to others and make fun of me in front of the whole class...but we never talked, so one day I decided to ask him, "Bjorn...why do you hate me?" and all he had to say to me was something like "it's a norm of society to think that you have to be nice to everyone you like." Something has changed in him though. He changed his name back to Ryan and has since been so much nicer to everyone, including me. Today I read the saddest course evaluation. I said nothing positive in it and told the class that I thought I was a waste of their time, and I deserved to fail the class. I also said that part about him inspiring me. His evaluation went like this: Research: B You always had your work done...but you did sleep...(so I have to give you a B) Design: A- sometimes it killed me (in the beginning) to say how good your designs actually were, but you do well [I think he underlined this because I corrected the teacher's grammar when she said good instead of well](a lot better than you give yourself credit for) Craftsmanship: A- Your lines are all considered until your last 2 projects (maybe becase you knew that you were leaving...) I think I understand. Presentation: A You've learned a lot about yourself and I am proud...I think your furthered understanding of yourself will continue to grow! Never get discouraged if you never find the woman you are...we all change all the time and the passion for the quest is what keeps us going. [he wrote a sidnote: Honesty is great...(and I mean that)] Back: Thank-you so much... you have no f*$ @ing idea how much that comment means to me just because of our chemistry together.... I hold high regards for someone as honest as you and it kills me that I was such a bastard to you... I hope my effort was at least apologetic enough when I started to get "happy" and act nice to you, but if not From my heart: "I'm sorry" he handed this to me, said thank you and just goes "read this" I said thanks and a curious "I will." It made me so happy. It's crazy how God can change people. I always thought it would be crazy if Ryan and I ended up friends.
December 15, 2003 How Is This Possible? just read the I hope and realize that the same thing keeps happenening to me.
December 15, 2003 Stop Thinking- Stop Writing it's going on three....still haven't done anything. I just want him here to hold me and tell me that I'll be alright without him. He didn't call like he was supposed to...
December 15, 2003 It's Time To Start Believing I've been up for 14 hours. It's 2 am and I still haven't started my 5 page paper that's due at 8:30. I can't stop thinking about what happened. I can't stop the negative thoughts that are killing me inside. I'm not good enough. I'll never have anyone. I don't deserve anyone. These aren't true at all. Except the last one...I feel like God doesn't think I can handle it right now...and I suppose he's right, but it doesn't take away this pain that is eating me up. I can't help thinking that I'll be sad forever no matter how many jokes I tell...when all is said and done I'm going to be alone. I'm taking down all of my stupid profiles online, because I don't want anymore mistakes. I'm tired of trying, and I'm tired of crying. I want to give up on life so badly, but I know that's not what's best. And for all you long-term readers I'll pray the same prayer as always. God, take me away....I don't want to be here Don't take me as suicidal. I've never liked my life. I think I'm going on anti-depressants soon and I'm pretty excited about that. That would be so nice to be happy. I don't know what's wrong with me. Being labeled emo because you're sad all the time isn't such a compliment. I wish so badly that I weren't anywhere close to it. I don't crave depression anymore...I despise it, because I finally realized that I deserve to be happy. Something I guess I've never really believed.
December 14, 2003 Some Things Never Change- I Won't Be One Of Those "This ring stands for purity...and I don't think I know the meaning of the word." But I plan on learning. I lift up my hands and I cry out God, make me pure take away everything that's damaging to me everything that forces me from You I deleted everything of Brand New, and cut up my shirt. I threw away things. I don't want to cuss or be perverted anymore, and I'm taking this seriously. I'm tired of failing. I'm so tired of failing and always dissappointing God. I told God for so long that if he gave me a boy who would help me things would be great. Things were not great, I was wrong. What would make me think that anyone could help me more than God can. God told me I'd find a boy sophomore year, why do I keep searching before then? I'm so tired...I just need someone to hold me. I'm getting tired of crying alone. I feel like a sick hospital patient who just keeps saying...I'm just so tired...
December 14, 2003 I Can't Help But Think Of You I had a seizure earlier...and it made me miss the way you held me. "Shh..don't worry, I've got you." I know I don't want you anymore, but it still hurts. It hurts to not have anyone. I might be getting my own room. I hope that's a good idea. I could bring my big desk, and buy a couch. I don't know if I should spend so much time alone though. I'm so lonely. I'm so..so lonely. And it's only been one day.
December 14, 2003 I Need To Start My Homework so I stumble upon this amazing boy over a week ago and I read his diary. Some people really are all about God. I guess I knew this...but then I start reading his "favorites" and all of these people talk about God in every single post. I don't do that. And I wonder why to myself. I know why. He's always somewhere in my head, but not number one. I want Him to be number one. I really do. God, I need more of You. Show me who You want me to be. Damian called me today and asked how I was. I started crying and told him I didn't want to be sad while I talked to him. I haven't talked to that kid since I left Georgia. My spiritual inspiration. He did it again. How does he make me want to love Jesus so much more than I already do. How does he do that to me every time? Damian never would have done the things you did....and that's why I liked him. He made me remember what it was like to like a boy without it being sexual at all. And I remember missing my innocence and saying I would change. And I did. Until I got a boy. Well, I'm ready for real change this time. Nothing like that is ever going to happen to me again. Fresh outlook, new perspective. This ring stands for purity. Try not to go after D. That's my goal. Paul was cute, but Damian is the most beautiful boy I've ever seen. And the greatest part is that's not his best feature. I don't need a boy to make me happy though. I need God. Lots of Him. That's the plan....Stan.
December 14, 2003 One Last Time And Now It's Gone I guess I knew it wouldn't work out, and I'm glad it didn't. I think I really am... but I'm sad that I have to be alone this Christmas while everyone else has someone. I'm sad that I don't have friends, and I won't have my loft, and my grades suck. I don't really feel like living. I feel like my life has no point except always screwing up God's plans for me. I'm tired of screwing up and I want to start living right. Pray for me, guys.
December 14, 2003 Papers To Write I awoke to find no arm around me. For a minute I forgot where I was. I tried to open my eyes...but they wouldn't. Literally. That was scary. I've heard of it happening before though, so I knew what to do. The even scarier thought was that everything that happened last night was real. I hate that you said you don't know why I was so upset. Please think of the things that you said to me before. I was the one who doubted and you gave me hope...and then you shattered it. If you had told me no before we met I would have been okay. I was prepared to be left. But after we met I thought I had been wrong all along. I thought...maybe I'm allowed to be happy. just maybe. This is me moving on. I talked to my friend and I was telling her how I'm so tired of being sad. I've been sad since I can remember. She told me not to be offended and this was just a suggestion, but she has a friend who just went on anti-depressants and it really helped him. I kind of laughed and told her I've been begging my parents to get me some of those. They think I'm ridiculous. I've been begging for counseling forever too. In....I can't remember which grade. Freshman year? My parents made me choose braces or counseling because we couldn't afford both. I wanted straight teeth. All I want for Christmas are some anti-depressants, because I probably just have an imbalance and it could make me how I'm supposed to be...and maybe you'd have chemistry with that person.
December 14, 2003 You Were Too Dorky For Me Anyway all the sudden I learn he doesn't respect me. there's no chemistry. we'll never be any more than friends. well kids, what's new...Amy's heart is broken again. It's a game of reluctance to hand it out now, and I always seem to lose. I don't understand, and I keep asking myself why I wasn't good enough. But something is different. And I know I'm good enough, I know I'm going to be okay. I go to use the bathroom and I put my hood up because I'm afraid they'll ask why my eyes are the size of lemons. Signs of growth is what I'll say, but I close my eyes and sing to Maria Carey so they don't notice the remnance of tears. Spend the day with a friend. That's what God said. And ya know? when we finally did that...it was the best part. That's all I want. And then I remember that people will ask, and I knew that was a horrible thing to do. I guess I felt like it was my way of proving that I believed in us. I was wrong again, and I was sad. But I realized that I'm going to be alright...I don't need a boy to make me happy. I'm so tired of being sad all the time. I'm so tired of feeling depressed. Being happy for a week...that was wonderful. I'm not sure I knew what that could be like...so thank you. I want to change. I want to be that person. I want to be happy. And I don't need a boy to do that. I fully believe myself when I say that....and then I read the entry I wrote while he was here. And I cry a little. And then I go to the bathroom and Maria is singing about all she wants for Christmas....and that's all I want for Christmas. I get to spend Christmas alone again. So I cry again. And I start to miss you again. I start to think about all the things that upset me before. I have no incentives now. But I'm throwing it away for good. I don't want to cuss...I don't want to be sexual. I want to prove to God that I can be the person He wants me to be. But I still wish I were in your arms tonight.
December 13, 2003 I Lighten The Lines Because I Have Hope-Mine Aren't Light there he sits on my futon there he sits playing his guitar- his escape from me he's breaking my heart and he knows it we were supposed to be beautiful wonderful perfect I cry softly into my covers, because I'm afraid he'll hear. But he's smart, he knows. I'm ashamed, and I think he's upset that he's hurting me. He's prolonging his exit to make me feel better, but it's inevitable. I want to run away so he can't see my sad face that he knows all to well already, I don't want him to know what he's doing to me. This isn't about guilt. But just for a while I was happy. It was good to be happy.
December 10, 2003 I Told You Not To Say The F Word- Things Are Changing I'm so sleepy, but I'm thinking about how wonderful you are for volunteering to call and wake me up. I couldn't ask for a more considerate guy....er...boy? no....guy. There's a hole in my sock and I'm dying of hunger but there's no time to eat. I have to finish my final composition in 4 hours and 20 minutes. I need at least 3 to paint to be satisfactory to present. I finally threw it away and I'm ohsoproud of myself. I never actually thought I'd do it. Mary-Liz will not be pleased, but it had to go. Note to self: sleep deprevation causes your nerves to go haywire. I feel like I'm on something. something...not so good. If anyone has any good suggestions for my hair, let me know...ahem Heidi, ahem Anita. The top is probably 4 inches long? I want Heidi's haircut. It's so hot, I could never pull it off like she does. Madd props to H-Dizzle. Even though she just got SHORT BANGS! maybe I want mine back..hmm... Eat less meat.
December 10, 2003 L...LL....LLL....L...LLL....LL..Like ::biggest sigh ever:: You would not believe the relief. I still keep waiting for that "NO" from God, but when I ask him for the eighteen thousanth time if this is right, I no longer get the no. Maybe this is why we're supposed to be together. It's so exciting not having that feeling in my stomach anymore. Now I'm just excited, but keeping each other pure is going to be a real chore for us. I just...I know we can do it. We're going to be Christ-centered, and it's going to be beautiful. I felt like you were demanding me tonight. I understand your concern, but I felt like you were calling me an immodest whore. That's not what you said, nor what you meant, but that's what it felt like. I felt like you were telling me what to do...and as long as you feel it's needed and it's not just you exercising your power I can deal with it. Just please never abuse it. I trust and care about you so much it's insane. I can't wait for Saturday. I just can't wait. I still hate ma'am as a petname, but pumpkin could grow on me.......haha. ::rolls eyes::
December 09, 2003 How About The Latter? "I know a million girls would kill to be you right now." Darn right they would, who wouldn't want him. Sometimes he's a bit silly and can sound even giddy, but it's those serious conversations like tonight where he took charge and told me how it was gonna be. And he was completely right. As far as no guidelines till Saturday, I'm sure he has something up his sleeves. He doesn't mean it like he says it. "if you change your focus, your attitude will follow," and I'm definitely willing to change my focus. How many girls could find a boy who's willing to go veg for her? And he asks about my seizures in a very serious way. I took my pill just so I'd be able to maybe give a positive report next time. I'm not cussing and sexual remarks are soon going to stop. I've lost weight too. lol Man...look at me. haha It's only been four days. Atta boy, "Billy."
December 08, 2003 Girls Are Dumb "Diamonds are great," the lady on the radio tells me. I think she's trying to brainwash me. I happen to love my thirty dollar cubic zarconium (sp?) ring that I bought for myself. I think it's just as pretty as these other girls' thousand dollar rings...and I have better things to spend my money on. I have kids to take care of and an education to pay off. I think people are ridiculous. Love is measured in neither dollars nor karats.
December 08, 2003 The Healthy Way, No Worries yay, I lost two pounds in a week. It was probably just water weight though...b/c I didn't do anything differently. I guess I did eat a bunch of sweets for Thanksgiving and I don't normally eat any at all. hm. I'll still be positive. Woo, two pounds. lol
December 08, 2003 ................................Wow................................Wow................................ I'm not sure what else to write about these days. My best writings were when I was incredibly sad and depressed. I just don't feel that anymore. All I want now is to better my relationship with God, do well in school, eat better, lose some weight, work on my relationship with you and...that's about it. I want to be better than I am for you. You're the inspiration I've been waiting for...for so...so long. You're also a huge distraction, but I think that will fade. The newness is still so overwhelmingly exciting and although I think I'll continue to care about you...the newness will wear off, and I'll be able to concentrate on other things. Then again look at Heidi; she's still head over heels for Matt, and I think they're going on 7 months. You...are changing my life. I *accidentally* told the girls on my floor about you, and they're so excited for me. I was afraid to tell the whole truth though. It makes me feel ridiculous. But...strangely enough I think they all understoond. They all want daily updates. I love these girls. This floor is so wonderful. This room is so wonderful. My roommate is so wonderful, even if I did brush her off because of a boy. I feel really badly, but I just couldn't say goodbye. I don't think she was mad at all. She's just having a really hard time. I don't know what to tell her. I feel like I keep saying the same things over. "You need to talk to him and tell him how you really feel." "You shouldn't be sleeping in the same bed." I feel like a hypocrite though, because I would love that. And I've still got a good 2 years before that's a possibility. It's worth the wait. I hope things start to go better for her. Poor kid. I need to do homework, but all I can do is wonder what God thinks. I think I'm gonna go pour a half hour of prayer into us. I hope you're doing the same diurnally. "It means...you're perfect for me." Best silence ever. |