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December 07, 2003 I Woke Up To Thoughts Of You umm...wow we should just learn French and head up to Canada...and you can start not letting me win so much. P.S. The best move you've made was letting me win the friends first thing. haha
December 07, 2003 Eatin' Mushroom and Olive Pizza--Leftovers I feel like all I've done today is write. wow...here we go again. I think I'm going for a record. For a day where I did nothing there's an awful lot to write about. So my date ditched me tonight. Call it a sign if you will, but now it's worse because he'll have to make it up to me. I just joked and said he should pay for his own ticket. The first boy I ever asked on an unofficial date and even paid for his ticket...ditched me. He had another date. I actually wasn't upset, quite relieved really. It was convenient. Here's the picture and over there he is. Got me? you bet you do I can't find my Bible or my study stuff....I haven't done devotions in a while. I think I'll do that now. You guys need to be praying for me. It's going to be a hectic next 2 weeks with finals and then...well we're adding more to the equation PLUS I'm going to stop cussing. And every freaking one of you is going to help me...in a nice way Brittany? Anywho, it'll be a horrible week so keep me in mind. You kids are wonderful. See me smiling? No worries Nita.
December 06, 2003 You'll Start to Catch The Puns And Jokes Within What an absolutely glorious boy. I change my mind again. he was right, but it's was a prior obligation. I'll be back in time for "the call." But if he breaks my heart there will be hell to pay. Cussing and crying, the whole nine yards. No argument there. you....deserve a new adjective. lovely, beautiful, and glorious might not cut it. We're gonna have to go french. Vous �tes parfait pour moi. "this is true"
December 06, 2003 - terrible movie. terrible movie. It's true, I watched a chick flick. It was just terrible. My heart ripped in two for his loss and I'm sure that I could never do that. They say it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I think they lie. I'd rather live my life all alone than to lose someone so precious. Another reason to push you all away. Another reason to love my time alone. Another reason to pray for God to just take me away. I don't want you.
December 06, 2003 I Wish I Were As Beautiful As She ::sigh:: clearing up thoughts and writing too much. I feel like we're rushing emotions. Like a boy without a condom I want to pull out, but there's always that chance that things could just be wonderful. Then again complications seem to follow me around, and I don't believe in abortion. Sorry for the graphic analogy. It's how my sick mind works. :o) Naptime, and watching Autumn in New York- evidently I look like Winona Ryder in this movie and act like her too?? We'll see. It's not the first time I've been told that. Girl Interrupted? Yeah, I don't think I look like her but several people have said that. That and I tend to be the semi-innocent girl with a mouth on her. haha
December 06, 2003 "I'm Feeling That Feeling Right Now" -Wildfllower some songs come on your playlist and you just smile. They make you feel a certain way, and even though I can't explain this feelings as anything more than beauty...an explanation isn't called for. you know it only breaks my heart to see you standing in the dark *alone* waiting there for me to come back i'm too afraid to show it's coming over you like it's coming over me i'm crashing like a tidal wave that drags me out to sea and i wanna be with you if you wanna be with me i'm crashing like a tidal wave and i don't wanna be stranded, stranded, stranded, stranded i can only take so much these tears are turning me to rust and i know you're waiting there for me to come back i'm too afraid to show it's coming over you like it's coming over me i'm crashing like a tidal wave that drags me out to sea and i wanna be with you if you wanna be with me i'm crashing like a tidal wave and i don't wanna be stranded, stranded, stranded, stranded i miss you, i need you without you i'm stranded i love you so come back i'm not afraid to show it's coming over you like it's coming over me i'm crashing like a tidal wave that drags me out to sea and i wanna be with you if you wanna be with me i'm crashing like a tidal wave and i don't wanna be stranded, stranded, stranded, stranded -Plumb Kiss Me by Sixpence None the Richer does it for me too. I don't know what it is. I'm not a mushy romantic, chick flick type of girl, but...wow.
December 06, 2003 Life Is Full Of Letdowns suck. I just looked and the Nutcracker is tomorrow...but I don't think it's the ballet anyway. I should have gotten the video while I was at the library. "This one's for the girls. Who've ever had a broken heart.Who've wished upon a shooting star... Who love without holdin' back. Who dream with everything they have...You're beautiful the way you are."
December 06, 2003 P.T. Rocks My World I feel chubby today, like when I was a fat kid. ugh Maybe it's from eating nasty chicken that's not so nasty. The counting of the calories start today, and I just might start believing in exercising again. I feel gross. I don't ever want to look like my grandma. I think it was this time last year that I was dying to go to the Nutcracker and Christmas at the Zoo. Well, I don't believe in the zoo anymore, but Tchaikovsky still get me hot. lol just kidding, but I totally want to go.
December 06, 2003 Really? But here�s the truth: Marriage can be nice, but it is complicated. You know those glass globes where the snow falls down when you shake it up? That�s marriage. If I was gonna stick you in one of those snow ball worlds for the rest of your life, would you want her in there with you? You�re in there together and you�re looking out at the world, and sometimes things look a little warped because of the curve of the glass, and sometimes things get a little messy because there�s nothing you can do to get rid of all the freaking snow, and that�s frustrating, believe me. But it�s not cold in there, it�s never cold. Sometimes too hot, sometimes you get seasick from the swirling water. You�ve got your little plastic mountain to climb, your little castle on top of it to dream about, your little green toothpick pine tree to make love under, and you got your snow. Sometimes it settles around you, sometimes it falls and piles on your head. But in marriage, man, inside the snow ball world, snow�s always gonna be sticking to your feet. Everywhere you go. And, everywhere you go, even if she's not with you, she�s right there. She�s in the snowball world with you, always. Are you ready for this? I can�t tell you, but I can tell you this: I�m in here, and it�s snowy, and it�s a wonderfully beautiful place, but it�s the strangest place I�ve ever been. But I�m not going anywhere. So, you tell me, where are you going? Taken from BostonReview.com. pretty funny
December 06, 2003 Just Not Ready For Bed-Not Ready For You I did decide one thing today. I defintely do not want a boy who cusses, smokes, or drinks. For a while there I thought smoking sometimes would be alright. For like a week, but I'm back to no smoking. And I've always been okay with cussing, in fact it's been a plus many times. No more. Which means...I have to stop. I'm okay with that. Edification, darling. Patience is a virtue (which I do not possess). I'm nervousexcited. My hair is getting freaking long...what's girl to do? Just let it grow, Amy, let it grow.
December 06, 2003 flow of consciousness sitting here listening to the Beatles I had an epiphany. Nah, I didn't really, but I wish I had. I ordered a whole pizza for myself tonight. With meat and everything. Mariachi pizza. ::does hand motions for special mariachi pizza dance:: Special sulking session. Monthly SSS. S cubed. Scubed. I was scubin' it tonight. Like Starbuckin' it, remember that? Remember how we lived at Starbucks senior year and the mean lady who yelled at me for eating the fries? "It ruins the aroma!" "But I'm hungry. Hey,you should sell real food here, and I wouldn't have to bring my own." Who would have known they'd take my suggestion. Genius, yeah that's me. I remember Kelsey. I kinda miss that girl. Everytime I think about her or am with her I eat chicken though. lol I don't believe in eating chicken. haha I go to Denny's with her "latenight like whoa" about once a month and eat buffalo chicken strips. I'm real sorry little chickens...but sometimes it's just worth it. I promise to never do it again. Then we go to "Ours" till 4 in the morning and lose each other and waste the very last minute on our cellphones trying to find one another-when that doens't work we sing Brand New. You should have known I was looking at clothes, silly girl. Oh wow, I'm wearing the lai from our party. That's weird. And I'm listening to Juliana Theory. That reminds me of Brittany though. I miss her terribly. She's dating a boy who drove past my house when I wasn't with him and bought me books and laughed at Botero with me. I'm not upset, but I told him if he screws her over like he did me I'd fucking rip his head off. True story. Her reply: "By the way, sweety you don't have to threaten every boy I like." Oh yeah, yeah I do. Someone has to do it, and your dad's always working.(but I shouldn't have cussed at him) Besides, it's how you know i love you. ::tries to wrinkle nose, but just looks ridiculous:: Dude, I'm getting my books dirt cheap from these cats at school.so far I have 5 books and only spent 55 dollars. New? 115 bucks. That's so freaking awesome, and I'm selling my art books on half.com for like 50 a piece...I paid so much more. My books were like $400 this semester. I'm excited, no more art. Holy crap it's so stressful. I have so much to do. 5 papers to write tomorrow, a drawing and 4 hours of work. I'm failing a class. At least I don't have to do the final in there now, right? or make up my 35 paintings that I haven't done yet. I suck. and somehow I still have friends. amazing. I'm in a goofy mood, but I'm going to go study sociology before I waste 11,000 dollars, sleep, and some happening black hair. I love you.
December 05, 2003 Roomy My roommate and her "sanitary afro" crack me up. The way she takes steps so that she can spit out her gum...you need a head start don't you know? and then it only goes 2 feet and her hat flies into the air. With such grace and ease she catches it. We laugh together, and sometimes we fight...she's having hard time. My job is to love her, and i think I'm doing a great job. We have different ways of showing love though. I show love by doing nice things for people, she shows love through compliments. We all have different ways of showing love, and different ways we want to be loved. Ours do not agree and therin lies our problem. I still think she's great...and she's working on not being so selfish. She's doing a great job. I love you, Mischon Karekan.
December 05, 2003 My Eyes Aren't Feeling So Bright "love's an excuse to get hurt, and to hurt...do you like to hurt, I do, I do, then hurt me." -Bright Eyes
December 05, 2003 This Is Your Life, Is It Everything You Dreamed It Would Be? I am a strange strange girl. I must be up in an hour to clean and I didnt' sleep last night. I need to justify the way I feel and...this is the only way. I should go pray about it.
December 05, 2003 Confustion Overwhelms Me a wonderful boy e-mailed me he could make me happy, but it reverts back to me not wanting to be happy. Is this a form of masochism? I have a date on Saturday with a boy who is not at all my type, but he makes me laugh like none other. He's tan and blond and athletic. He knows nothing about music and eats plenty of meat. But he's sarcastic and goal-oriented, pure of heart, intelligent, and ohsoconsiderate. Maybe too considerate. It's okay to tell me that you don't like things about me. He didn't lecture me when I told him I smoke. He didn't mention it bothered him when I cussed. I need brutal honesty, and if it doesn't bother you that I do these things? if you don't hate that about me? I don't want you. The last thing I need in my life is a boy who doesn't edify me. I had a date tonight. That went...awful. He left me with his friends, and I assumed he went to the bathroom because he didn't say anything to me. No, he certainly was not in the bathroom. The boy went to the bar to smoke and drink. What was I thinking? I was thinking that there was no way this guy was going to give me a ride home. I remind myself of my mom sometimes. I write about boys this entry because after praying for boys in my life I feel they are being hurled in my direction. This is invariably a wonderful happening. And as you might not think, it makes me want one less. Not because I am disgusted with them by any means, but because I realize I'm not ready for anything serious. I realize...boys are wonderful friends. And as my plan has always gone, I will fall in love with my best friend. Pure intentions. This also probably has to do with my father not giving me any attention as a child and so now I crave attention from men. I usually do this by wanting a boyfriend, but I have many guys in my life right now and so the appeal of a boy is lessened. All you need is a little Freud in your life. Damian is supposed to call tomorrow. Damian that made me rethink the way I look at boys. Damian who changed my life. Plan was to tell him I want to mother his children, but not only is that untrue, but absurd and immature. I do love him though, for what he's done for me. He's a spiritual challenge, not an intellectual challenge. I need a boy who is both. You are that boy-why do I have a terrible feeling about this though? Strange. They say you're supposed to go with your first instict, but that girls always doubt themselves and go with their second. Hm. I don't want to be stupid about this but then....I don't want to be stupid about this.
December 03, 2003 The Point Of Desperation Has Been Reached well...I met a new boy, kind of. I found out he drinks and smokes and he's a senior...so he's ruled out. Kinda sucks. He was very intelligent. We're still supposed to go out on Thursday. Ugh. When I find a hardcore boy, he's dumb. When I find a smart guy, he likes stupid music. When I find a metal-loving intelligent Christian, he drinks. great. I've decided that I'll just spend the rest of my life alone. Jack Hogan was everything and I refuse to let go of that idea of the perfect guy for me. I think it's ridiculous that we don't speak anymore...and I miss him like crazy go nuts (university). ::taunts:: I"ll bake you broooowwnniiess... anyway, so if any boy ever wants to take me out and he's semi-not bad looking. I think I'm down. I just need to laugh. so...take me out. :o)
December 03, 2003 Strange Thoughts In The Earliness Of Day they make me sick...these people who read and never let me hear they must not know that in these times of self-destruction the slightest compliment could rearrange my life sorting through epiphanies and fumbling with cigarrettes...or maybe it's the other way around I don't understand anything anymore I'm tired of being shy and lazy. papers are due in the morning and here I sit researching wonderful books. Books that I now realize will never sit in any bathtub I'll own. Dreams are for the weak who need them to keep going. I'm hopeless, for dreams can't even motivate this apathetic mind I entertain. I feel like a performer every day. I play dress up and look pretty. I talk to boys and flirt with bad intentions. I'm shy, but wish I were that drunk girl on these saturday nights I spend alone. Why the hell am I up at 4 am when I have to work at 7? I thrive on siezures because they're the only times that I can feel like my lack of initiative won't matter. I can't fail at something of which I'm not in charge. They're my release. I'm tired of being here, and I remember being 8 years old and depressed and just asking God to take me away. Not so much has changed. Maybe my focus should though. I remember Dr. Gary Johnson (that's my old pastor) telling us that when you change your focus, your attitude will follow. I rather like being depressed. I love being in this room. I got asked on 3 dates this week...and I don't think I want to go anymore. I'm afraid of what I would do if I had a boy. Seems losing your virginity is the popular thing to do these days, but I've never been one to be trendy.
November 30, 2003 With X's, and Jesus and button up shirts he'd kiss me is a nice hardcore boy that hard to find? really? I just need someone to spend time with me....I felt like I talked about boys too much tonight- because I did. I hate to think that people will believe that's all I think about...because it's really not. A boy would just be a great addition. Nothing serious- just a boy.
November 28, 2003 I Wish You Understood The best things in life are nothing more than dreams. I'm starting to think you weren't real. My life would be so much better with a boy who encouraged me...something to look forward to. You were the most perfect guy for me that I've ever met in my entire life and you completely left me. I would do anything to talk to you just once more. Something obviously had to be a lie...and I understand that, but can it really be that bad? I wouldn't care if you were fat or lied about your hair. I wouldn't care if you didn't know how to play an instrument or were older than you claimed. I miss your challenge and humor, our conversations were the best and the dream of the swings will be with me forever. I miss you like crazy. Please please please...I know you read. I know you do. You'd make my day if you just said hi to me. think about it? I'm very forgiving, and I think I need you.
November 16, 2003 Never Included I'm sick at your actions. I'm tired of having friends. I'm cutting myself off.
November 12, 2003 Freaks. I can't stand the world around me. Radio shows that make fun of boyfriends for not having sex with their girlfriends. "I can be really drunk, and jump on him and he still won't have sex with me, can you believe that? So I told everyone at work, and now they all make fun of him and want to help me out." "Oh my gosh, does he have a nickname yet?" Sick. Sick. Sick. Man people really piss me off.
November 02, 2003 Darn My Procrastinating Ways I have, let's see ...10, 2, 1, 2, add them together.... I have around 15 hours of homework for tomorrow. Sleep? What is that?
November 02, 2003 Dissappearing Act You know who was perfect for me? Jack Hogan. Whatever happened to that kid? I miss him like crazy go nuts. (Go Dumples!) Hey Jaaaaaccckkkkk! I miss you. Come back and visit me.
October 29, 2003 Leaving When I'm Ready I can tell you're working on it, but I want you to know how entirely selfish I think you are. You remind me of Kings Island and hating Anita for walking ahead of me...only you do it every single day after I've waited for you for 10 minutes.
October 29, 2003 Won't You Please Be My Friend? There aren't that many people who I feel I really connect with. I'm not sure how tonight's discussion went but...I feel... a lot better. I feel understood? I've told him before how I feel about our friendship, but I feel like tonight he listened, and even if he doesn't feel the same...I like to be understood properly. Jenny, Brittany, Kelsey, Justin, Anita, Neil, Damian, Luke In a certain order that makes sense to me...Jenny was first, she's my cousin and no matter how we change...we have belts. Not to sound Freudian but...she made my childhood and inevitably who I am today. The next three are by connection. Brittany and I were the closest with the best relationship, Kelsey and I have a certain connection that...is indescribable, our friendship has troubles but we understand one another-we just don't always use those skills as we should. Justin is my best guy friend whom I joke of marrying...and have for years. I can tell him ANYTHING and he always accepts me-plus he can tell me I'm hott with nothing attached. The next four I feel have not yet complied. I feel a strong connection with them but I don't think that they feel it. Anita is the closest but we are so far apart that it's hard to grow. Neil...hasn't decided to put forth the effort yet, or maybe he just doesn't feel it. Damian is consumed in other girls, but I know he felt it when I was in GA...he is a crucial part of my spiritual life and needs to realize this soon. And Luke is last because things seemed to go sour before I could ever even explain to him that I felt a connection. We finish sentences and tell the same jokes at the same time...and freak each other out. We argue kind of a lot, but I think someday we'll be wonderful friends. I think it's funny that Stephen didn't make the list. I did all that crying when he dumped me and he didn't make the list? Don't be dissappointed if you aren't on here, or it's not who you expected...it doesn't mean we aren't great friends, but there's a certain lifelong connection I feel with these people...and these are the only people from all 18 years. This was a boring entry simply to remind myself later in life.
October 20, 2003 They Played With My Hair Tonight (Even With Hairspray) Reading through the comments about me...I remember the Angel of Death and my eyes start to well up. I feel it coming. We memorized lines and we talked about everything and you told me I was the first person you felt like you could really tell anything. tell everything. I forget things like this all of the time. But nights like this I remember you getting mad when I wouldn't tell you what I told Luke. I remember watching you walk out and feeling so alone but being afraid that you'd leave me forever if I told you. I remember the sound of the dial tone after I made you mad by telling you how I really feel. How I feel alone at home, like I have no one to hang out with. I know there was no notice for this weekend but I feel like you don't have time for me. I was replaced. I was replaced long before I left. I read on the profile that it says I'm your best friend, but I have a hard time believing that anymore. I fear I'll wake my roommate with my incessant sobbing, and I consider not submitting this entry. I don't want to be labeled a drama queen. My eyes burn and I miss you like crazy. It might be selfish but I miss being the only one you could trust. I miss seeing you everyday after school. I miss...seeing you. And church, and boys, and Justin, and the museum...all I want is to go to the museum again, or a picnic or anywhere...I want to go anywhere. I just want to see you again. God, I miss her...and I feel a million miles away, physically and mentally. I want to scream at the top of my lungs because you were the best friend I ever had, but I end up screwing up everything in the end...and I miss you, I miss you, I miss you .....
October 20, 2003 And By "You" I Mean Lots Of People I had a glorious day today. Imagine me beaming. Imagine me happy. Imagine me giggling and writing near the river while the cool kids smoke under the bridge. Freshly dyed hair, and a sweater gone cardigan + scarf + headband, boy who wants to date me, feeling beautiful again. Today I dream of feeling like this for always.
October 20, 2003 Four Leaf Clover Eloquent | Inspirational | Insightful It's funny to think that these words were used to describe me. Tonight I'm wishing they were true and I could just breathe.
October 20, 2003 Seventy Times Seven = A "Brand New" Entry lkjasdlkjf;lskdjflskjdf How many times must I write an entry before I am satisfied with the way it portrays how I feel? |