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July 27, 2003 I Hope I've deducted that any boy who talks about lying in bed with you, waking up next to you, or anything of the like...will eventually leave you...I mean.../me/ So I suppose it's almost official. I'm going to Georgia to see my girls. I'm flying. [$279] I won't be seing Jack. ::sigh:: Over and over I have boys affirm to me that...there's nothing wrong with me. I'm not undesirable, weird, boring, unattractive, etc. But I sat at home alone tonight...just like I knew I would a week ago. Calling everyone in desperation, trying to find plans in which to make. I miss Brittany. My friend from Anderson thinks I won't have any trouble fitting in, but I'm reminded of high school and the frequent phrase "square peg, round hole." But she says I'll be alright, and I suppose she knows more than I do. I hope by that...she means I'll find a boy. That Casey kid...just didn't work out. I knew it wouldn't the minute he told me he didn't like her...that's not the kind of guy I want. The kind who says "it's not my responsibility".... I want a boy who thinks it is his responsibility to take care of his friends...or to befriend random people...and enjoy it like I do. An artsy, psychy guy.../boy/. Guy makes it sound so...dating. I want a boy. Man sounds too...marriage. Boy...relationship. where we grow together into the man and woman God means us to be...helping people and visiting museums together. Oh, boy, oh, habibty...where are you tonight? I pray you're making wise decisions. I'm so sorry that I wear my heart on my sleeve all the time...hoping someone will steal it justoncemore. Hoping they'll keep it this time. Hoping you'll be reluctant at first...but I can pry it out of your back pocket where you've kept it safe from the claws of other girls. I promise to be ohsogentle. I'm back to calling your name from the edge of my yard. please.hear.me.
July 27, 2003 The Gift the word silently pierces the air it's amazing how batteries can change a shitty day
July 26, 2003 The Charismatic Lady With Gray Hair A woman called me a romanticist the other day... I never thought myself girly, but I suppose I am a dreamer. She told me she was just ordering for herself...no one comes to Chuck E. Cheese alone. So I asked her, "Are you meeting someone?" "nope" "Well, maybe you'll meet someone here. He'll walk in and sweep you away with his conversation and charm. You two will leave here and go have coffee...and then alope to Rome." "Oh my, you're quite the romantic, but I'm far too old for that to happen to." "mmmm...nah, keep an eye open, alright?" Sometimes I'm so silly...we both were in tears laughing, with lots of people waiting. That's not exactly what I said...no I went on and on, and she helped. She had to have been at least 50. I love people. I hope I'm not alone at 50. Or 18.
July 26, 2003 I've Never Been Angry, So Take My Name Off The List I'm no different. Just a little lonelier. I can't do the things I did before. And I wanted to be your friend again, I swear I thought it would happen but...you didn't call. And your apology didn't seem sincere, and you haven't tried since. I'm stronger..that's all. I miss you, but I know I don't need you now. I'm okay alone. I can't be the only one to call. And if you cancel plans you need to be the one to remake them. You call Heidi's name and barely acknowledge that I'm there when I smile at you. I gave away the present that I bought you, and I don't feel badly about it. I got a book yesterday in thoughts of you. Two books. I expect after you hear the titles, the word "bitch" will spill from your lips. And I'm okay with that. "Into the Tangle of Friendship" "High-Maintenance Relationships" And actually..."Dumped" Darling, please understand something... you ditched me..and expect to utter a simplistic "sorry," and I'll do all the work to make things better...but I can't do that anymore. And I told you that I can't. You're going to have to try a little bit, because I'm not Kevin. And I'd say I have other friends...but I don't. I'm alone. But it's better to spend my Saturday nights alone, than to have plans and get ditched with no phone call. You never even bothered to explain what happened. Have you called me? Have you IMed me? Or do you just expect me to do it. The problem is that you haven't changed, and I think you should consider it. Because I miss the hell out of you. And I don't always like sitting at home alone. "You always have your cousin," Jon says. But he's wrong, and now I don't have you either. The two people that I always thought weren't my real friends have really stepped up and surpised me. I don't know what I'd do without you gals...I suppose I'd bitch and moan in my bed all day and drench in self-pity. Oh wait, I do that anyway unless you drag me out. I'm pitiful, and I hope things get better. I'm taking no more steps with you, because I feel I've gone my half, and I shouldn't have done that much. You can call me names, or be angry, or stubborn...but it was from you that I learned not to let people treat my like this. You taught me how to argue, and to not be such a pushover all the time. Do what you want, but you know that I'm right...you taught me this. We grew together, but the only growing we've done recently is apart. But you pushed me and I fell I'm just lying here face down, hoping you'll come back, take my hand, and help me up. consider changing
July 26, 2003 Always In Bed With Books I'd like to sit down with your mom and talk about books and such. I think she's a lady I'd really like, and she'd like me even more if she knew me better. If she gives me the painting I swear I'll cry and cherish it forever.
July 26, 2003 No One Ever Listens When I Warn Another day passes and I think you suck you didn't read the manual that comes with me I gave it to you and you tossed it aside. "don't pretend to like me if you're not going to stick around" did you miss that part? I'm going to georgia... but I'm going for my girls. eff.
July 25, 2003 Bad Dream Come True? I wonder if it happened we haven't talked in days I'm okay and ready to be let down
July 25, 2003 I Found Some Lovely Self-Help Books I was no one's dream there were no wonderful books there was a boy hogging the computer though I think I'm racist I just want to get lost in a book about a wonderful boy who loves me and doesn't hog computers in a world where racism doesn't exist. and neither does .loneliness. I think I'm done with you 34 days till college I'm rooming with a foreigner. I hope she digs hardcore.
July 25, 2003 With A Shy Glance My hopes are to walk into that library and be someone's dream.
July 25, 2003 I'm Okay With Authority A man made me cry at work today... I didn't charge him for a cup, because he had one of our free refill sippy cups for his daughter. She then, of course, pouted and wanted a regular cup...so I told him it was $1.59. He threw his hands in the air and asked,"Didn't you charge me for two cups LIKE I TOLD YOU TO?" He proceeded to act like a child, pretending that getting out his money once more was a big hassle...I tried to tell him I was just saving him money. He just yelled at me more. I had flashbacks of my father that I...now that i think of it I remember...but not before. Flashbacks of him yelling "Blah blah blah....like I told you to?" He's always been so authoritative and...I don't respond well to unreasonable orders. I like to ask questions...and I think that's good. My father has this deal with always thinking his way is right...I shouldn't need to question it. I disagree...I'm much more intelligent than he is. Just a thought of why I might resent him. No time shared as a child...just orders. "...like I told you to" I wanted to punch him in the face...stupid old man.
July 25, 2003 Maybe I'm Just Too Selfish, But At Least We Can Have Unrestricted Sex....As Long As I'm Alive As I worked today I thought of my life-long goals. I worked out the plan of my life in my head whilst counting out a large sum of change and... I can't see kids. Hide and go seek isn't a game worthwhile when you're trying to find meaning. Scenario #1: I see a wonderful husband, I beautifully decorated house...with an intelligent dog...the kind that turns the TV on and off, fetches the newspaper, and saves your occasional kid in the burning building. I see fish and a career I love, traveling, cooking wonderful meals, and glorious music. I look everywhere, but I can't find the kids. Eighteen years of my life devoted to raising someone else, just to prove I could do a better job than other parents. It's a vision I can't see... Scenario #2: I die at a young age like I've always said and never have a chance to marry or have kids. I've never had a real relationship and so it could be a possibility that God has this in mind for me. I've always felt a bit psychic and since the age of 11 I've told everyone I would die young...then again I was a bitter, angry child who was very malicious towards my parents.
July 25, 2003 To Fly Or Not To Fly....It's Not Really The Question another day passes and I start to wonder... I miss my little hardcore girls. I might just go anyway.
July 24, 2003 I'm Thinking You Are, But I've Been Wrong Before ::sigh:: I'm tired of being sad this time I didn't miss it I don't want depression I don't want sadness... I want my effing life back and I want a boy to love me... and I don't want to cry anymore. I'm glad everyone else is having a good time. I feel like the girl in the corner, the girl who's backed herself there...where it's comfortably lonely. I wish I drove. I wish I could fly. $176 will buy me friends for a few days, but I'm not sure if I have the guts. Are you worth it?
July 23, 2003 Golfers Are The Devil I swear if I ever catch the fuckers that shot my dog....I hope my parents aren't around. This temper of mine will flare up so fast... My poor baby, his equilibrium is all off, his tongue is really red, as are his eyes...and pellet gun wounds all over him. He's so sad, he was crying. I hate golfers. I hate them all...I wish we could move.
July 23, 2003 Suicide Note At One AM I haven't decided what to do with you yet... but I over-analyze everything, and I'm sorry that I worry about status so much. You're not making things easy for me. I'd walk away, but the hardest part is knowing that you care, too. I can't keep listing the reasons or we'll never be able to talk...and that's all I want. I can't talk like that with you anymore, I'm working with God...and he says no. But the hardest part is knowing that you're okay with that. I think you only did it to make me happy anyway. Don't worry...I don't hate sappy. I don't think you understand that I'm ready to pack my bags. I don't think you understand how lonely I am. This doesn't mean I'd go for any boy. Only boys who ignore pretencious art girls, and aren't quite sure if they wear wonderful jeans. Boys who just want to talk and "just want to make [me] happy." The hardest part is knowing that I'll kill myself with emotions before I give up on you. It's knowing that nothing will work out, and I'll eventually cry because I get attached too easily. It's knowing that I need to not think of you everyday. Because I'll kill myself with emotions. This is me dying...with a smile on my face, and the warm of your lips on my neck.
July 23, 2003 Times Will Change, But Not My Jeans I just want to be your friend, and play video games without judgement ever passing by our window. Because I remember the days when I stared at you and thought... "that's what I want"
July 23, 2003 Mon Ami Morning breath is bad... but I wish it were a problem. I was hoping you drank it black, but I can't have everything, n'est-ce pas?
July 22, 2003 Mrs. Murray Hasn't Been My Dream Since Eighth Grade I had a dream that Grant came back for me. He made me meet his family and I was everything he'd ever wanted. But I didn't like me. And I forgot to look for his baby.
July 22, 2003 20 Minutes Makes Me Forgive what a sucker I am
July 22, 2003 I Wish There Were Someone To Make Me Love Ponderosa "Waiting through all your bad, bad days just to end them with someone you care about." That's all I wanted tonight. I stayed later at work, but not past 10:30 for fear of missing you. I hate being sad. I think I'll block your name and delete your memories. I'm done with boys.
July 20, 2003 I Don't Enjoy Going "Insane" I went to a show and got mad at a friend. I just walked away and stood alone thinking...someone will talk to me, but they didn't, so I took a walk. //I took a walk in a very dangereous part of town. If you know me at all...you know that I'm afraid of being alone in public places most of the time. This was one of those times. It was almost beautiful, the fear I felt. But I put on a firm face, the one I use to control my pain...I can use it with fear, too. I kept imagining a car driving by and pulling me in. Kidnapping me. But I didn't walk faster and my heart didn't race. I took in every sound and leaf and it felt like the Saturdays of 6th grade...when I was close to my mom and no one else. The year I turned my worst. I regret that year the most of my entire life...but I'm not that old yet.// I returned and ignored my friend, but she was persistant, and I tried not to be a wench. And I wasn't. I was just angry, because I care about her. //My grandfather died of smoking, you know. And Kelsey's grandmother won't quit till the day she dies...smoking makes me cry.// I walked away and sat down on a bench where a boy was at the other end. He patted me over, but I knew if I scooted down...she would sit down and I would have to talk...and I might be mean. //When I get angry it's best if I don't talk until I collect my thoughts. I get very bitter when I'm hurt and I tend to have a sharp tongue. I'm at my wittiest when I'm irate.// She sat down between us and I decided to get up and walk away, thinking she would give up. She didn't. She followed me and apologized. //It's hard to believe people sometimes when you imagine the smirk they had on their face when they got caught. But who am I to tell someone what they can or can't do?// It was then that my tongue got the best of me and it slipped..."Don't ever ask me why I don't consider you a best friend again." With a flip of my hair and my nose in the air I walked away. I walked away a bitch. //She finally got a taste of the real me. I wonder how she liked it. It makes for a bitter side dish.// I went back to the boy and told him that "I [wasn't] really a bitch," sat down(next to him) and chatted him up. After a while I asked him who he was here to see...my response was something like,"Oh...you're in the band....Yeah,yeah, I've heard of you guys....no, sorry I haven't, but I'm sure you're just glorious." Lead singer and guitarist for House of Heroes.
This is not to imply him hitting on me...although Mary-Liz says "He totally was." lol I hope he never reads this. He might think I'm a freak. But...cute boys just don't talk to me. It was lovely. Later, during Dead Poetic, a boy went crazy and was slamming himself into me. Nuts like him always find me somehow. He knocked my glasses off and someone stepped on them. I couldn't even look for them. I'm blind, you see. So Mary-Liz found them for me and I turned around and effer was still hitting me. I got right up in his face and I was the meanest I think I've ever been. Worse than the Zach Barr incident. I think he was trying to apologize but I was so angry and thought that I would miss the rest of the show and have to buy new glasses. I'm so ashamed that I did that...it was awful. So many people saw it happen and came up to me asking if I was alright. "I saw you go insane on that guy earlier." I hope I never have to hear anything like that again. During House of Heroes I got hit in the head with a stick thrown by the drummer. I told him later and got a free cd and sticker.
woo for free stuff woo for cute boys and woo for non-smokers that's a triple-woo for cute, non-smoking boys who give out free stuff
July 20, 2003 I'm No David All I ever seem to chase is me. |
