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October 20, 2003 Seventy Times Seven = A "Brand New" Entry lkjasdlkjf;lskdjflskjdf How many times must I write an entry before I am satisfied with the way it portrays how I feel?
October 14, 2003 I Feel Just Fine I played sick today and skipped Color Theory. I miss my mom telling me to go to class....haha that was a good one, yeah right.
October 10, 2003 This One Is For...The Boy With The Frisbee I wish for a day when I can sit outside and read and write and not worry about homework...I plan on that day being saturday...which means no fun tomorrow night. But maybe I'm okay with that. What's better, socializing, or some needed meditation? I'm thinking the latter. Tonight I decorated my journal. I spent an unknown amount of money at hobby lobby and bought some pastel and oils and things that make me happy. I love art. I want to learn potter and glass...and painting.
October 09, 2003 The Watercolor Creates A Bit Of Wrinklage college was supposed to be a fresh start it's been more like a new day with a dirty pair of jeans I've realized that it's not how people percieve me, it's how I present myself
October 05, 2003 I Frequently Pray For Your Sanity To Return Tonight I missed you...and then I realized how great it is that we don't talk anymore. I think you're insane and I wish I could warn people that you're not at all who you portray yourself to be. You are a scary boy. wow.
October 03, 2003 Invisible Doubts From The Edges Of My Spiderless Attic I cried tonight... having a roommate can be hard... I felt like she was my mom, telling me to clean up. I miss Georgia, and I miss Anita, and I miss my Smokey. Tonight I'm praying that a time of solace is nearing. I'm praying that I don't screw up God's plan for me *too* much. I'll soon be out of the art program, and it deeply saddens me...I've learned so much more than I ever thought college could teach me, and it's only begun. It's too bad that when I leave the art department it will be more like school than education. Abstract thinking will be thrown out the window, shattering my plans of books in bathtubs and forcing me to reflect on how my life has been directed, and question which path I will take next. I would rather ignore it all and pretend like I never screw up. I'm confident in most areas of my life, but I'm certainly not proud. Pride has a certain way of making me believe that others must view things the way I do. Confidence is something that comes from within, something that cannot be broken. My pride, however, is bruised easily, and there is little, or no healing process that occurs afterwards. I imagine staring up at the moon and questioning the meaning of life, but I'm too lazy to lift the blinds, and too apathetic to consider the idea that my life has no purpose. I'd rather stay stuck in my ways and believe that I am a beautiful marionette playing a simplistic role in God's glorious puppet show I call "there are no rules, but if you break them there will be consequences beyond belief and hell to pay." I contemplate if I will be one of the persons the Bible speaks of when they say that some will think that they will be going to heaven...but really have been wrong all along. I love God with all my heart, but when I ask him "why" I tend turn away whilst He answers. As I slowly uncover my ears I hear him whisper "Why are you a member of my team if you won't even play in the game?"
September 28, 2003 I Dream Of Trios and Second Primary Colors I miss writing in this diary, and I miss feeling like someone cares. I have a million journals here and writing in them becomes tedious to me. writing should not be a job. Lately I've felt spiritual in a meditative way. Not like God. I feel in tune with myself though. Like a yoga-type thing. I do see this as a problem I'm reading Sark and Sabrina Ward Harrison. Mini workshops for myself. Starting The Abolition of Man, by Clive Staples Lewis (C.S. Lewis), Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut, and Jokes and their Relation to the Unconscious by Sigmund Freud. I'm very excited about reading these books. I just hope I have time, and the will to read after doing my homework. thisismecrossingmyfingers Liprings come and go, but good friend who hold you to your convictions are
September 16, 2003 Oh How The Tables Turn you know the bad kid who got kicked out of class the second day? that was me
September 15, 2003 My Hands Are So Empty once upon a time a boy held my hand and he pretended to love me but it was okay, because I pretended to love him back and we expected nothing more than emotions. I'm not sure he realizes the affect he had on me. For just a day I was in pretend love...and everything was grand.
September 11, 2003 Do You Ever Wear Pink Socks? when I'm in art class...I think about you. you have an appreciation for it like I do...like they do. it hurts me to think that you told her that you didn't want to talk about our friendship, because you mean a lot to me, and it's hard to think that you don't care. you couldn't have faked everything. why DO you mean so much to me? you're nothing but an ugly fat kid who broke my heart...but that's not at all why I'll never forget you. you make me laugh, and you make me want my innocence back. you brought memories of feelings back to me that I had left in a place far away...wishing never to find them again. eating mini pizza's and laughing at you with the sequin vest. i swear I'll never forget that vest....and your laugh. it's sad to think that I still write about you & that I didn't want to go to prayer breakfast for fear of having to see you. you should have kissed me that day, and i shouldn't have pushed you in the days that followed...and possibly I'd be happy...maybe I'd be taking care of your sick shell...and loving you. I think I'll cry if I ever see a baby blue sequin vest. I just might buy it and spend some more tears on you. ithinkyouareworthit
September 05, 2003 I Can't Take Anymore I want to go home.
August 30, 2003 Go Ravens!! I think it's funny that today I was telling the girls in my "family group" that I was wearing my grandpa's pants...and I was like, "yeah, well...it's alright, he's a little bit dead." haha Because here? We're used to saying things like that. I didn't even think about it. Kind of like: "I think I have to pee." But, sho shizzle...uhh...college is great!
August 25, 2003 Everything Is Dying I feel criticized... I feel disliked and the thing is...I'm kind of alright with this. It makes leaving a little less painful. Like making a deposit. I won't hurt as much later b/c it's kind of drawn out. I don't have best friends anymore. I don't feel like I'm an awful friend but it seems like everyone is gone...not gone, but things aren't the same. I feel like you think things are just like the good old times ..sometimes...but I don't feel that way at all. I feel like if this is going to work that we're going to have to ::gasp:: TALK about what happened. Like you're going to have to accept the new me, not criticize me, or roll your eyes when I make bad jokes. I've always made bad jokes. I'm different and I'm okay with this. I hate to say it, but there will be replacements. I'm more sad about losing my dog than any of you. ::defense mechanism:: no I'm not.
August 21, 2003 I Don't Really Write Anymore I took up exercising and it hurts a whole bunch. I have a new boy and...he makes me smile. He hasn't spoken of lying in bed together. I hope he never does. gosh, I hope he never does. I counted...and approximately 6 boys have loved and left me this year for no good reason. Neil, Sam, Ben, Casey, Grant, and Jack. Ben didn't really hurt me, but he ditched me. I guess he doesn't really count. Five boys. This one is bound to do the same. When I saw him i thought surely he could never like me....::whispers:: but he does! I'm being shy, but that's alright because...we actually talk ::gasp:: and have decided to do things the right way. THE RIGHT WAY. We're going to be friends first. Isn't that awesome? Gosh, it's going to be hard. What with L bombs being dropped and all. Me: I'm not gonna be good at this friend thing..... Him: you already are Me: no I'm not Him: yes you are Me: you're too nice Him: you're too sweet Me: mr. masculine kilt wearer Him: hahahah Him: yep Him: that's me Now that I read it from another perspective, it's nothing...but if you knew how *not good* at being friends we are lol he was just trying to make me feel better, and I was being sarcastic and then made fun of him. Life is all about perspectives, isn't it? I love that we had a serious conversation tonight about life, and convictions, and...lots of deep things, really...we were pretty deep. wow...but then we had a funny convo about haha, I won't say, but it was clean and silly. We're being pretty clean...if we keep going, this just might work out. (yeah right) Him: i do wanna see your web cam Him: but only if you wear a bear suit Me: I wanna see you get stung by a bee Me: but only if he's dead we're so freaking funny Me: I don't expect much and still I get let down Him: we will find a way Him: we're way to much fun... Him: well you are anyway Him: we can't let this one slip I've never put IM messages in here before, and I've never quoted this much before... I wonder if Jack stil reads...wherever he is...I wonder if he ever wonders about me...because I still don't know what happened. *hm*
August 15, 2003 Update holding onto the railing, waiting for my ride....sometimes life feels like a movie I play out the scenes in my head, picturing camera angles, seeing extras Georgia was awesome. I'll be on MTV in November on a little series calld "High School Stories" on the prank where the kid plays "School's out for summer" over the PA system. Look for me! I went to Six Flags. I stayed with a Grandma. I gave up cussing, carbonation, and I became vegan. I grew closer to God. I found a boy who made me remember what life is all about. What MY LIFE used to be about. I've lost my focus. Georgia helped me to regain it. I'm leaving the music scene. I visited a store where Pink used to model. I don't want to be sloppy anymore. I want to be beautiful. I want to read more books, and drink more tea and talk about myself less. Last week I changed. I went tubing, and held hands with a boy. He held me and we slept. I've become quite good at cutting off my emotions because....it didn't mean a thing. There was talk of "hooking up" but...I don't want him. I just wanted to be held. And the glorious thing is? he doesn't want me either. Meaningless spooning=wonderful College is 2 weeks away and I'm so excited. Each hour of work kills me. I just want to get away. I should sleep more. And I should have more friends. I should volunteer more. I think I'll take up exercising. |