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July 31, 2003 I Had A Good Day Today ::breathes deeply:: Yesterday at work, trying to go my fastest without screwing up(again), filled with insecurities, watching everyone else and hoping that I'm doing everything the right way...I heard a voice. A loud, bright, confident voice with a giggle sitting underneath...and I thought to myself...I wish I had that. I wish I were that sure of myself. And then I realized it was ...it was my voice. I was so surprised to hear the words flowing smoothly, and feel the smile come upon my face. But..I didn't feel like that girl I heard. People listened to her, and they laughed at everything she said. It didn't matter that she was having a bad hairday, or that she felt sick. They smiled when she gave them the free cup that she "forgot" to add on to the order. I watched in amazement as she worked and made people love her. Today I listened for that small, but brilliant voice and all I heard was me. I heard myself stutter and mumble...I saw people get angry. I saw myself mess up on orders a thousand and three times. I saw people be compassionate, and I heard the nervous laugh of a girl who didn't know how to put on **the show of arrogancy.** She was me...and I hate being her. Because...that fumbling girl who is careless and unsure of herself?...she's not me. That's a girl who cares too much about who is watching her. A girl who thinks everyone is out to criticize her. Under attack, with no defense. A girl who is attacking herself, and feels nothing but self-worthlessness. ::sigh:: today...I crumbled but I swear she wasn't me...
July 31, 2003 The Only Person I Lie To Is Myself I think I mean it when I say I'm done...because I think you are too. Either that or the signs you're giving me just aren't very good. But just for future reference, don't talk about kissing a girl, waking up next to her, wanting to be with her so badly, etc...when...you're not willing to even spend time with her. That's just silly. Silly boys. Maybe a little dissappointed, but not sad. I'll let my hope float no more...nor shall I be waiting for you. And...I'm alright with that. ::smiles::
July 30, 2003 What Happens When I Try To Fool Myself I still can't believe that on Monday I'm going to get on a plane and fly to Georgia to meet up with some kids I met on a youth retreat in Michigan. I can't believe I'll be in your city and you don't want to see me. I can't believe you broke your promise. But...yeah I can. Don't claim to not be inconsiderate, and then promise me it won't happen again...and let it happen again...that same night...and the night after. It's a little bit funny. You're right...why DO I like you? And it's funny, because I'm not upset, and I'm not saying "I hate boys." I just wait patiently till you come back and tell me you want to see me too...that you want to hold me. That will happen, won't it? if not...I think I'll be alright, maybe I'm not such a stupid girl afterall. Or maybe I've been desensitized to dissappointment. "And if I loved you Wednesday, Well, what is that to you? I do not love you Thursday, So much is true. And why you come complaining Is more than I can see. I loved you Wednesday,-yes-but What is that to me?" -Edna St. Vincent Millay
July 30, 2003 Boy, Oh, Boy gosh, it was so good to hear your voice again I can't believe I didn't recognize it, it just seemed lower than I remember. I'm going to send you so much cool crap...and I mean it about the sexy pictures. lol I miss you like none other...how we used to be. I remember when you came over once and we stood at the door by the washer and drier and tried to keep conversation...and I knew you liked me. I don't know why it was awkward. I used to spend the night at your house...and you've always liked me. Man, I wish I would have kept your letters from freshman year...calling me your "angel." No one has ever loved me like you. I remember my last words to you...crying..."Don't go losing your virginity now, Justin. I don't care what those crazy Airforce boys do...if we get married I want you pure." haha and I meant it...but you're a good kid. I hope we're friends forever.
July 29, 2003 Sometimes I Really Like Me...And The Times I Don't...I Say I Do Anyway someone please tell me how I'm fake. if you know me at all, you I know I'm constantly evolving into something else. I'm always me... I was me when I went through my punk stage and wore shoe string belts and loved cover songs and boys who could spit haukers into the air and catch them in their mouth. I was me when I went to Mexico and didn't shower. I had sand in my toothbrush and blisters on my hands and I became a nature girl. And I'm me now...I love the funny skirts I wear and that I've become just a bit shy. I'm a bit less perverted and a bit more sexual. I still haven't kissed. I'm everchanging but tell me...what's really different about me? my clothes, my hair, my music, my friends? I still have the same faith, I'm still as witty and fun. I have that same honesty that gets me into trouble and I care about most people more than they'll ever care for me...or maybe I'm just overprotective and jealous. I dunno, but ...I'm learning to love me more. I don't quite accept myself yet, but sometimes I catch myself doing or saying something that makes me believe that I'll be truly wonderful someday. Emo is just a phase, I'll grow out of it and into something else within a couple of months. But I'll always be me.
July 29, 2003 No One In Particular- I'm Just A Dreamer I think the 50's movie is my favorite I can be so sexual and dirty but... my favorite dream is the pure one where everything is simple and beautiful a dream date for me would be getting coffee at a little shop and then going to a thrift store and buying 50's clothing to dine in. And we'd swing dance, and he'd pay, and hold doors, and say to me, "Gee, you sure are swell." The whole time our eyes would be locked and people would stare with green in their eyes. You're just jealous 'cause we're young and in love. Someday my dream will come true...and he'll hold me and tell me we can go to the zoo and have a watergun fight the next day. To that I'll smile and tell him he's "real neat."
July 29, 2003 Be My Knight I'm so sick of throwing a pity party for myself the cake isn't even good I tried to IM you but you signed off I guess you were busy tonight you broke your promise but...I don't think I'll say anything. I'm afraid to let you know that you make me sad, because I'm scared you'll forget me. Our wonderful conversation will die and you won't leave roses or visit our grave. It's not enough to conjure up the ghosts of past could-have-beens, but now I fear future ghouls. I'm afraid to let you know a lot of things. To let you know that I wait for you and I think about you...and if I thought you could make me happy I'd move without a second thought. I want to tell you not to be scared that I'll get hurt, because I can't see that happening. If I decide I don't like you, or you don't like me...it would be okay. If you don't like me I'll live, but...I can't go on like this...not knowing. Thinking to myself...if I lived closer things would be different. I hate when yout talk like that because things COULD be different. Give me a chance to love you, and if it doesn't work...well, it wouldn't be the first time. You're not a dissappointment, but a blessing. Let me see you... hold me for just a night, teach me to smile again, and let me be happy...if only for just a short while.
July 28, 2003 Let Me Have My Way This Time give me two days just two days with you and make me happy start the projection of our movie don't worry about the ending, darling you could make my summer I promise not to cry if you'll just... make me smile Kiss me out of the bearded barley Nightly, beside the green, green grass. Swing, swing, swing the spinning step. You wear those shoes and I will wear that dress. Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight. Lead me out on the moonlit floor. Lift your open hand. Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance, silver moon's sparkling. So kiss me. Kiss me down by the broken tree house. Swing me upon its hanging tire. Bring, bring, bring your flowered hat. We'll take the trail marked on your father's map.
July 28, 2003 I'm Just One Short end this summer with a bang that's what I say tickets are bought plans are being made I hope it's glorious but there's one piece missing...
July 28, 2003 I Wish I Knew How To Stop please let college be different, God, please let it be different I can't...think about boys anymore. |