I'm A Stupid Girl

and I'm convinced that I'll never have a real relationship because of this diary. I shouldn't write the things I do. I really shouldn't.

but I can't help but write when I'm braver than I think I am, because I called back to let him know...

I told him that spending time with him makes not spending time with him...lonely.

and when he helped me up, and when we embraced...there was no tingling in my stomach, no butterflies to be found. But I felt safe. And his beard scratched me, but I didn't care.

and when we lay in his bed with his arm around me and our bodies close, I didn't feel loved...but it felt better than sleeping alone like tonight.

He didn't call back just to let me know that the straightner was his girlfriend's...I just don't believe that. He's as infatuated with me as I am with him...and nothing will ever come of it but a wonderful friendship. There are just too many differences.

Tonight we talked about the difference between being interesting and being intelligent...and he told me he wished I were more intelligent than to believe in a God that doesn't exist. That it is about nothing more than control. And I told him that I almost called and asked him to go to church, but I didn't because I knew he'd say no, and that I felt weird about it since we spent Saturday morning together (3-11am) and that he was taking me back to Anderson on Sunday night, so I felt like going to church as well would just feel like I was smothering him.

who knows, this is frustrating

I just know it makes me sick to lay in the bed where he and his girlfriend have sex...and I don't ever want to be that person who makes someone else sick for that reason. It's bad enough sleeping in other boys' beds...believe me I know.