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April 12, 2004 If I Try To Take Charge Peril Will Soon Follow there's something different about this. something very different and wonderful. when I think about you there's no clawing from the inside of my stomach telling me that things are bound to end terribly. only God telling me to be ever so patient. only God telling me not to smoke tonight. I refused to buy a pack of non-vegan cigarettes so I bummed on off of a guy walking out who was...take a wild guess...staring at us. I walked right up to this scary guy and asked if I could bum one...sure, he said with a half-toothed smile. ugh no more smoking, Amy... I wish I could tell what was so different. There's a connection that I can describe as nothing less than amazing. And for the first time...I'm not obscessed. I wasn't upset when he left b/c I trust that he'll be there tomorrow, "and the day after that." Maybe we're not supposed to date right now, but it doesn't keep me from wanting to know everything about you. When I think about our "in person" experience...I'm not impressed with how we acted, but we only had an hour to warm up to each other, in the prescence of a medium. The me I always write about,the me that I love, the deep-thinking positive person I am in my solitude...comes out when I talk to you. It's like a breath of oxygen after being held down in one of those baby pools...I can always see the surface...so close. You understand my perspectives and you react just how I want you to sometimes...sometimes I need someone to double-check my "I'm fine" when I feel like no one wants to share my burdens. Sometimes I need someone to put their foot down and tell me it's time to take care of myself and go to sleep. I love that about you. I'm not sure what will happen...but God is going to take care of us. I'm not worried, just as you shouldn't be. Things will be marvelous. and one day I'll make you cookies.
April 11, 2004 I Want To Be Your Safety Net no one has ever made me feel so *beautiful* I'm left speechless. I discovered that my jaw won't move it if's stuck in the downward position. Eyes wide, like a shy girl I can't look...I stare at the ground, even if you can't see me. I...wow...I'll leave it at that. My meaningless ramblings might ruin this moment.
April 11, 2004 - i don't think I've ever ran that fast in my life...I can't believe I almost did that. Almost let my deepest secrets be read by everyone. "excuse me, I think we've found a magically appearing wall." no one was supposed to know that. I cringe when I think about who read it. I know you did. I know it...I just hope...I don't even know what I hope. I hope you didn't take it too concretely. I write whatever I'm feeling in that split second.
April 10, 2004 I Get Scurred Sometimes I hate feeling self-conscious about what I write. I simply write to release, but must I need to remind myself of this simple theory always? I never got to tell you that I loved that you kissed my hand each time before we parted. It was a much sweeter gesture than I'm sure you meant. A much sweeter gesture than a boy who lied when he said we'd be friends and he'd still take me to Death Cab. Unfulfilled promises and meaningless kisses. You sucked the life out of me. P.S. you never deserved me Alas, this could be the first time in my life that I have no baggage from past relationships or past potential-relationships. I write about boys a lot, I'm aware...but half of my life is going over what I've done wrong in relationships and what I've done right. I'm scared to death to make more bad decisions and so I process these memories and store them in cabinets labeled in degrees of broken hearts. Always good things, always bad things. No need for worries, darling, for whomever I give my heart need not be concerned with whether it belongs to any other. I am true, and I am honest. I would never think of another. God, give me patience. I know that's what you're telling me. You're fully aware that I suck at this game, right?
April 09, 2004 There's No Bliss in Oblivious(ness) revel in your ignorance my family has no idea they won't even watch the video...they don't want to see the animals go through the pain. My mom would be upset, but she'd still eat meat...my dad would probably convert. He's much more sympathetic. I just can't see how they call themselves Christians and allow others to treat God's beautiful creations like that...and support it. I don't understand how anyone can do that. I'm just now learning about products tested on animals and it's sick. Something else to watch out for...I won't use those anymore either. I don't even think laundry detergent is vegan. I was ignorant for so long, and I'm so.so.sorry. How much other stuff am I ignorant to? What else should my money be supporting? If anyone else feels strongly about anything, and thinks that I should know about it, I strongly urge you to tell me. For so long I just had no idea that this went on, so it's easy for me to think that I was oblivious to other catostrophies of our society. Welcome to the machine... Sell out your life or die.
April 09, 2004 I Think A Change Would Do Me Good for some reason I'm scared to change. The music I listen to isn't bad anymore. I've given that up once. my language is terrible. The way I act is disgraceful. That boy was probably right in insulting me. I think I do use my looks to get what I want sometimes. I never realized it before, I guess. I definitely used "my ways" to prove to msyelf that if I wanted this one boy, that I could steal him from his girlfriend. What kind of a sick game is that? The same sick game I played with Jeff. If you're reading this you have every right to hate you. It all started as a game b/c kelsey was dating someone, so I audibly said, oh well...I'll just make him like ME. Not thinking that this could also cause problems. But...I liked you too for a while. so everything was peachy. But we didn't have the chemistry I'd dreamed of, and you weren't how you had portrayed yourself....or how I had recieved your portrayal. In any sense. I am a terrible person for what I did to you and you had every right to call me what you did....and I'm sorry. maybe someday we can be friends. but I hate to fight with you. I can't do it. I'm so ...so sorry. I never owned up for what I did. I'm sorry, Jeff. Anyway, so I've been playing that game, and just as I've almost won I realize what is going to happen...she's going to hate me. I love this girl. And I warned her that this would happen. I told her I didn't even want to talk to him. What a mess...I hope everything turns out alright. Amongst other things I have quit smoking, and I'm going to no longer use products that were tested on animals. I feel it is definitely something Jesus would/wouldn't do. I also don't think Jesus would eat meat. I really really don't. Call me ridiculous, but he loves that animals so much, he would never let them be treated the way that they are. Jesus would never skin a live cow, or eat an abused calf. I just don't believe it. No way Jesus would support the farming industries of today. I don't know what else I'll change about myself. Orgainization has made me a much happier person. i know that much. We'll keep going with that. And I think I decided no tattoos.
April 09, 2004 I Want To Teach You To *BREATH* It's not very often that I find a diary worth reading all of the time. Close friends mostly. But every once in a while yI find one that moves me. So I read(past tense) all of your entries. I started at the beginning and read each one carefully. Now...the exercise is to see what impacted me the most. I will just write and write about what I remember, what I loved, and what I hated, how it impacted me, and everything related. three words: you inspire me. though possibly not as you would hope. You're not necessarily sad, but humble, pure, and sincere. Don't worry, I'm a sincere girl. And far too honest. All black chucks. don't walk downtown in them, I hear they can be killer. You kind of remind me of Michael, which is a good thing. Right after thinking that to myself you had an entry about the Juliana Theory song "The Closest Thing." Michael sent that to me once. From memory I assume that he was using it to describe me. If you make as lovely a friend as he does, we'll be wonderful. You make me want to write beautiful things about you. You seem to be searching so hard. Like you're squinting to see what's in the background of a lovely photograph, but you're missing the main object. I do that too. You remind me of me a lot. We prefer the same curse word. That's a little bit funny. And when I saw that you were reading "Wild at Heart" I knew the author's name b/c I've been wanting to read it so badly...but it seems as though you didn't enjoy it. I'm glad you like reading. That is not a light comment. James Taylor used to freak me out b/c one of his songs says the eff word. When I was younger I heard it and made up my mind that he must be a terrible man and to this day...I don't really like him. You ironically added too many letters to the "concise." You spell a lot of things wrong. I'm big on grammar, but not everyone can love it. You write about God far more than I do, and for that I'm envious. Why don't I think about Him more often? Not only that...these are scriptures you've looked up...I don't read the Bible. I never even go to church, yet I talk to God every day and ask him for advice in all things, and go to a Christian school and...it's just odd the way that I work with God. But that's changing. I've given my all to God before, but I got scared and took some back...I'm in the process of giving it back to Him. To say that He understands if you don't give Him your all is foolish in my opinion. Things can only be better if you hand everything to Him. It's hard. but I think you're lying to yourself. maybe not. I sound really critical. This was supposed to be more of a glorification deal....I hate when things don't turn out like I want them to. It makes me want to erase everything. pitiful & inadequate we use the same words to describe ourselves. Where is your confidence? You are beautifully and wonderfully made by your creator, rejoice! Rejoice in Him each day and don't doubt yourself so often. Gosh, you remind me of myself last semester. So down, but hopeful. I want to help. I get really excited, thinking I can do something to change everything, but a cloud cloud appears in front of my sunshine, or in your case the piercing sun melts the calm snow...and I realize that I am nothing. I dream of counseling. I dream of changing lives, but I am nothing. I'll probably meet you and never speak to you again... no pressure. I'm not good with talking. Now letters I can do...I want to pick your brain, because despite your failing grades, I believe somewhere in you is a brilliant boy, maybe not with school, but brilliant with the light of God. I wish I had words. I wish I could write beautiful things about you, about anyone. I hate my writing. p.s. I don't know what you hated about it there, but you sound perfect for au. I hope this entry doesn't freak you out...if so we probably aren't meant to be wonderful friends anyway lol. my guess is that it won't both you.
April 08, 2004 I Love Skirts Anyway; This Is Just A Bonus girls in skirts just get treated better I've decided. when I wear jeans, nothing happens...when I wear skirts (which is more often than not) boys hold doors and let me go before them and...they're just nicer. I suppose this is a good thing. Just an observation.
April 08, 2004 He Played The Role Of Best Friend Better Than You Ever Could Is it possible to miss him this much? I don't know...I guess Michael was really there for me when I needed him...and it's different than with other friends. Most people I miss I can just call up and hear their voice and know that they're okay. I can't call him and it drives me nuts. I play my birthday message over and over trying to remember his laugh and how he sounded when he was pissed at me(which was a lot). how he sounded when he laughed at me (which was even more). no, it's not love. I'm not even sure it's like...but I feel like I've lost such a wonderful friend temporarily. Resorting to superficial e-mails and writing about him only because I know he'll read :o) well since I know you'll read this...I know I've said it a million times, but I'm glad you're doing so well in Denver and I really miss you and hope I can come visit. I miss you like woah. Is it my turn to send a present? does my pitifully sad letter count as a present? We were so extravagant before, but I'm not creative like you. Writing is all I have. P.S. I love you, and I love when you call me "dearest amy." You always make me feel special. Remember when I used to sit in the janitors closet so we could still talk on the phone? And when you used to tell me we couldn't talk every night? And when I would tell you I liked you all the time? Those were some fun days, but I was a sad girl back then. And you were a sad boy. Now that we're both happy I wonder what our conversations would be like. I miss you tons, darling.
April 08, 2004 Not For The Faint At Heart This is for my good friend Carmela GARRRcia. You're not the only one God laughs at. So there I am, trying to praise God, when all the sudden I start crying. Possibly more like bawling. That's not bad...I love God, nothing wrong with a little crying. Okay, here's the bad part, kids. You know what comes during/after crying. Oh yes, the runny nose. It's not bad enough that I'm sick and all stopped up, but now I'm crying and everything that was once in my nose is now rapidly rushing out like there's some kind of snot race going on. Nastiness. So...I wipe it on my sleeves. No big deal. It's just a black hoodie right? right. I still feel gross, but what am I to do? I care about praising God more than having snot on my hoodie. Wiping, wiping....and then...haha the big glob of yellow snot comes out. And it won't stop. I know people have to be watching. There's a stream of opaque yellow mucus stringing from my nose. I'm completely embarrased and about to puke at the sight of my own mucus. one sleeve, two sleeves...what the crap is with this once thought "ordinary runny nose?" Oh man, I look down and both of my black sleeves are completely gross and I'm not even concentrating on God anymore, I'm trying to make sure no one sees...because they will surely not ever be my friend. It wasn't funny in the least like dropping your tray or missing the inside of a plastic bag. this was downright disgusting. If that's not bad enough, there I am...hadn't taken a shower in 3 days. If you know me and not showering...I'm not one of those people who can get away with it. My hair looks nasty. but once again, I wasn't going to let it stop me from going to the Easter sunrise service. I just hopped out of bed and went. Oh yes, and I'm wearing a skirt, and haven't shaved in those 3 days, so I basically look like white trash. Hairy legs, greasy hair, snot all up and down my sleeves...and then...I burp without notice. oh gosh, can it get any worse? oh yes...it can. okay not really, but they had us tear off a piece of bread and dip it into the grapejuice...and I swear everyone knew how nasty I was and didn't even want to partake in communion if I was going to be touching the bread. I don't blame them. ahoy, it is only 7:30....I'm going to go take a shower. now. P.S. if you don't know me...I am not always like this. I just thought someone would feel better from my misfortune. P.P.S. I'd do it all over to experience God the way I just did. He is AMAZING. |