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April 08, 2004 How Do You Do It? indescribable love of *God* overwelming and comforting, to the point where I want to dance, and maybe I should have. That was definitely the spirit. I wish...we could do that every morning and not just for Easter. Maybe I will. You know what...I'm going to. Devotions, outside, 7am. I shouldn't be going to bed so late anyway. Not when there's this beautiful morning. God, you take such good care of me and look what I do in return. I'm a complete failure and a discrace to your name...yet you still love and provide for me. Teach me to be so much better.
April 07, 2004 "Oh, That's Nice, Is That Lambskin Or Dog?" so kids, I just learned...that some of our leather comes from cows who are prettymuch skinned alive and conscious...and if that's not bad enough... some of our leather comes from Asia where they use cats and dogs...but it's all labeled "leather." Yummy?
April 07, 2004 I Don't Like Hair On My Arms I'm such a healthy eater. And I don't even eat that much. I drink 80 oz. of water a day, and usually 32 oz. of 100% juice. My roommate eats whatever the crap she wants. She has hamburgers and soda...and she still has a flat stomach. I admit, i don't get the fat I should, and I don't think I get any saturated fat. And I definitely don't get enough protein, but come on... I live off of fruits, vegetables, beans, and water...and she still looks better than I do. Normally, this is where I'd say something like, oh yeah, well she'll be wrinkly when she gets older...but no, her pale skin is milkier than mine. She is not flawed with these disgusting freckles I have. I'm not sure I'd call it jealousy. My personality is better than hers...and my voice. She's really selfish and has an annoying voice sometimes...but she's still prettier than me. Regardless, I don't want to look like her...just me...only better.
April 06, 2004 I'm Going To A Show With My Old Friend Sam Jackson I can't believe the band played that song for me on my birthday...oh goodness, that was wonderful. I wanted to kiss them, but then...umm...no. lol I was walking through the valley today and thinking to myself...only 3 years left. Isn't that terrible? I don't want to leave. I love Anderson University...I can't imagine being anywhere else. Embrace each day. That's the plan, kids. So tonight I'm watching 10 Things I Hate About Your Mom with my friend Sue. Sometimes I forget that the movie isn't really called that. Sometimes I forget that I don't have time to watch movies and have band practice and go watch my friend's band practice and work and do my homework...and sometimes...I do it anyway. I'm glad I still have a few fans of my writing...it's not quite what it used to be, I'm well aware. I think it's because I'm not sad anymore. I rather enjoy being happy...even if everyone hates my lifestyle. I'm not a bad kid...I don't care what people say.
April 04, 2004 Consumed In My Nothingness trying so hard to be content with the here and now. trying so hard. failing so wonderfully. I can't help this longing for a boy, God. I'm trying to so hard to look at boys as only my brothers in You. trying so hard. I can't help but want someone with whom to share memories. I can't help but long for those awkward/wonderful silences when we feel like we should say something, but are content with just *being*. I need physical touch more than I admit. I don't have friends at school. No group calls me to hang out. I'm content in my lonliness...but is there anything wrong with wanting more? I guess I'm just afraid that things will never change if they don't change now. I need a best friend. Justin is getting married, but when we were together for the first time in 10 months...I knew he was my best friend. I don't want to hug him goodbye again...I don't want him to leave me. I hate the Airforce. Damn you for taking my confidant. my longest friend. the first boy who really liked me. the listener of all secrets. the hater of all enemies. We've been together through the weirdness, and braces, and bad relationships, and big problems. My best friend is freaking hott now. You wish he were your best friend. but...I still don't like him. But if she breaks his heart I swear I'll hurt her.
April 01, 2004 This Work Better Pay Off study study study.... studying my butt of for this Psychology test tomorrow (Thursday)... I need an A and have been studying a lot a lot a lot since Sunday. I'll let you know how it goes. I'm scared.
March 28, 2004 I'll Kick Her Ass If She Hurts You I decided...I have chemistry with Jon. definitely. since the day I met him. since the day he made me laugh. since the day he wrote me that beautiful poem. even the day he stood me up. and even if he has a girlfriend and his friends try to use me to break them up...I will be patient. I have decided to let God write my love story. but it's hard when he looks at me like that. I try to ignore him because...it's hard not to love him. Witty comments, lame remarks, mickey voices and zany antics... alas, he eats meat, and he likes to hunt, and he doesn't like good music, and he doesn't read enough... and this is why we make wonderful friends...who secretly love each other. Don't give me those eyes when I try to cut the conversation short. when I try to not have it at all. when I ignore your compliments. when I don't talk even though you've come to a table of your friends to only speak to me and leave. You can never be mine. but I still don't like to watch you touch her. she looks like me
March 26, 2004 If Being Pretty Meant Love I Would Have Been Drowning Him In It so I went out with the boy and had somuchfun, but it turns out there's no chemistry. Yes, it took him pointing this out to make me realize it. I'm still sad. I kinda wanted a boy. Jack Hogan and I, I'm convinced, would have had chemistry coming out of our butts. mmm and tonight...I kinda miss Daniel. I wonder if we had chemistry? I wonder if he'd like to go out tomorrow night. I miss his bed like none other...even if he is a lush. at least he held me and he was hott. I think I'll call him tomorrow. Then again, he never called back from the last time I called...but he should know that I'm going with Ryan to Death Cab anyway. I really miss his black beanie. Who HAVE I had chemistry with? Stephen, definitely. Stephen might be the only one...and now he's married. Rob Cooper...who knows where that kid is.
March 21, 2004 - I fucking hate you for making me like you... I hate every single one of you. and I hate me for being honest. for giving so much of myself. for believing anyone could ever really like me. I don't care what you say. It's ME. and we probably won't be friends, just like Paul and I weren't. Just like Daniel and I weren't. I wanted you to give me a reason to stay. I wanted you to love me. someone to love me someone to hold me while I cry but there's no one....there's no one to hold me.... God it hurts so much.
March 21, 2004 And That Makes Me Sad you'll never adore me the way I need to be adored
March 18, 2004 I Can't Wait To Be Old today I ate lunch alone, which is no surprise in itself...but I was doing the crossword (yeah, I know it's the cool dorky thing to do now) and I got stuck, so I went and asked the lunch ladies. I love old people. even if I am better at crossword puzzles than they are.
March 18, 2004 Dr. Reynolds, Your Patient Is Waiting Hearing your psych lab professor say "penis" is kind of weird. If it were a woman...it wouldn't be wierd, but just the fact that he has one within reach made me uncomfortable. the subconscious and unconscious are so interesting. Who would have known? Flash perverted words at a speed where the participant can't read them...and they get aroused...without consciously being able to read the word. That's so cool. And guys...never take a lie detector test without your lawyer being present. And make sure that the kid who's performing it is a good one, otherwise you'll end up a liar without ever parting with the truth.
March 18, 2004 At Least I Can Do Something Right I am a shallow shallow girl. I remember when Neil first liked me and I didn't want anything to do with him because I thought he was ugly...that is so incredibly...ugh...wrong. Sometimes I can't believe the way I behave. I know I got over it, thinking he was very attractive, and actually liked him a lot...and he ended up breaking MY heart...but you know. lol I probably deserved it. I've probably deserved it every time my heart has been broken. If not because of what I do to them, then what I do to other people, or just the general position that I put myself in, in dating them. I can just be really dumb about things when I want something. and I want a lot of things. It's funny how everyone goes...a NEW boy? again? already? Like I've dated so many people....no. I've dated one guy. For a month. I just talk too much about boys that's all. I gotta stop letting everyone know all my business. Who cares if I did coke? I can't keep anything about myself a secret. I just keep other people's secrets well.
March 18, 2004 No One Listens To Me When I'm Sad I wonder if he misses me like I miss him. Yesterday I was sad, and I couldn't call him. I didn't know who else to whine to who wouldn't be worried or give advice or anything...just listen. I always call Michael when I'm sad. (I always call him when he's sad too) what if something happened to him? Michael, where the crap are you? I never even got to ask why the songs reminded you of me... this isn't fair. you know I need you.
March 18, 2004 My Hands Need To Be Touched so 317 wasn't that terrible. I got jealous. And I smoked. And I let boys get to me too much. So the boy isn't going to be vegetarian. This should bother me...it doesn't really. (Paul gave up meat for me) I guess like it didn't bother me that Daniel smoked and drank. I wish he didn't eat meat...I wish he was like me...but I told him it was okay to eat meat in front of me as long as he didn't waste. What I wanted to say was that meat is disgusting, and it will give you cancer, and make you fat, and give you acne, and hurt animals, and make me not want to eat with you just so you won't eat murder. But sometimes you just have to pick your battles. Having seizures makes me want to be held. Hearing about peoples problems makes me want to hold them. Eating meat makes me want to puke. I don't know if I like that I gave him this link...because now I feel weird writing about him...I feel like I have to censor myself. I refuse to do that in my favorite journal. Stephen got married today (maybe). Man, this journal is laced with his presence...hatred for him. I guess I'm happy that he's getting married. I'm not jealous like I thought I'd be. Actually, I don't really care that much, it's just weird for me. Why does he get to be married? I want to be married...morally have sex. Oh man, I forgot about that. I wanna get married. I was thinking earlier today what would happen if I just married a boy at random. I mean...what would my mom do?? She couldn't tell me to get a divorce, the Bible is against that...God wouldn't want us to break it off. We'd just have to work at it. Damn, I wanna get married...I wouldn't have to live on campus anymore. I need to call Daniel (blugh) and see about the DCFC show....I'd hate for him to have already bought my ticket and I didn't know. I just don't really want to go with him anymore...I mean, unless I despise Ryan, which isn't probable. Nothing could make the show more perfect than cuddling. Mmmm, maybe vegan food. Oh, definitely. That's what would be great about going with Daniel, we could go eat vegan style. Walking around downtown Chicago is great. Skirts, and wind, and s'mores hot chocolate and holding hands. vegan food, boy, and band. Nothing better. I talk about boys too much. I don't mean to.
March 17, 2004 I Want To Cook For Me If I keep eating like I am, I'm going to be so skinny. I've already lost weight, I can tell. I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow and maybe I'll be wrong. regardless, I need to go talk to the food kid. Girl cannot live on veggie wraps and cheeseless pizzas alone. so so hungry.
March 17, 2004 not worth the read I'm starting my book tonight and I'm ohsoexcited. Since Daniel was an ass and never started, even after he promised...Ryan(<3) is going to do it with me! I really hope to grow in Christ through this book. I hope to really find my purpose because the last few days I've been wondering if I'm supposed to be in psychology. I know I've always said that God wanted me here...but I hate these papers. I like writing English papers, and I'm darn good at them, too...but APA sucks and I got a 65% on a paper I worked 7 hours on. I get A's on my english papers, and mom always said I should be an English major, because I like grammar and spelling so much. I have so much homework...and when I have a boy I never seem to get anything done. I need to exercise some self-control. that boy is going to spoil me...and I think I'll love every minute of it. And I'm afraid we'll grow desensitized to the compliments. I don't want that, certainly. hmm... it makes me queasy to think that a boy I like has kissed other girls. I don't know how it doesn't bother anyone else. I know it's just kissing but...I don't know. It's just not a hobby for me, I guess. Scares the crap out of me...then again I've never made out... one of my friends has made out with 170 people. one hundred and seventy. what happens when she gets married...he's not gonna feel special. I need that. I like being the only one. I always thought it would be cool to lose my first kiss to a boy who had never kissed...but that didn't happen. I'm just rambling.
March 17, 2004 MIA evasive and unclear why don't I just tell people exactly what I want from them I feel l like Kelsey. I can't expect you to read my mind...but you do sometimes anyway... and it's wonderful to have something light. a boy to be happy about rather than always worrying. Daniel was so tiring because it was such a dark infatuation of avoidances and false securities. Light and fun, but still meaningful, that's what I need. maybe we're just good for each other's ego, who knows. I miss Michael...he doesn't even know about my new boy. He'd be so happy for me. He'd ask if you read, and if you make me laugh. He'd ask if I've been modest, and I'd tell him I have been. I don't think I was dirty tonight at all. I feel like he's dead. There's no way of reaching him, and I feel like I've lost my only friend. Damn, I miss you. I hope you're doing alright...what if you're sad and I can't listen? What if you have a girlfriend and I don't get to give advice? What if things are great and I don't get to hear the excitement in your voice that makes me call you a dork. You don't even get to read my diary often. I keep looking through the pictures you sent me. Listen to the cd you made me, and this is how friends are supposed to love. I miss you dearly. Maybe I'll write you a letter this week. I don't even know where to send it. ::sigh:: I hope things are terribly exciting where you are. I would be awfully upset if I knew you weren't doing well and I wasn't there to hold you. I love you, Michael...and I'm sorry I was bitchy last time we talked...I hope you're alive. And if you act surprised at this entry of my adoration for you I'm going to punch you in the face.
March 16, 2004 - troubles with the boy. yesterday was amazing. he made me have butterflies in my stomach. And when I said I wanted to come over ...he said "take a death cab... for you" if you get it...you'll know it's one of the sweetest things you could say to me but he eats meat...I told him just not to waste it around me, and he said he wouldn't eat it around me. Later...I told him I stretched it for him, and I don't date non-vegetarians, and he said he'd stop, period. I wouldn't ask that of him...I just want him to come to church with me. He said he loves God, but he needs time. Time for what? Time away from God? he said smoking is nasty...so yesterday I quit. he said he'd take me to see death cab, since I don't think Daniel is going to anymore...who knows what happened there. he's so wonderful for me. He doesn't drink or smoke or cuss very much...he makes me laugh and he plays silly word games with me. I want him for my birthday. but last night he broke my heart...we said things wouldn't work and he left...I told him I needed to hear that he still liked me and that we were going to be okay. And he made me smile and promised me that we were going to be great. ryan and amy really does have a nice ring to it it really does...
March 15, 2004 I Miss That Girl there is a lovely boy...who is going to be my friend. And he's going to hold my hand. And I'm going to be okay again. Like I was before Daniel. |