the best smile comes after we kiss

the boy I always dreamed of. almost.
I'm not so good at pretending.

Here I sit listening to dashboard as I did two years ago when I first started this diary. When I sat here crying for a boy so lovely. A boy with talent and grace and brilliance and a boy who loved me.

After our first date he cried. He was afraid we wouldn't see each other for a long time, and it broke his heart. From others I heard him to say, "I NEED to see her."
A boy so lovely that he accepts me for all the shameful things I wouldn't even write in my journal. I wouldn't even write it down. never wrote it down. (and tears come to my eyes)
A boy so lovely that he misses me when the world is asleep. that he misses me while I sleep.

and we kiss in the snow. and we kiss in the kitchen, with the blender whirling fast but not faster than our thoughts and world and we kiss in his sister's bedroom, and his bedroom. We kiss in the bathroom.
"please don't stick your tongue in my mouth" and so we don't. sweet kisses, underneath invisible mistletoe.

A boy so lovely that he gave me a guitar for Christmas. With his long curly hair he laughs while we watch Conan and he chuckles when we watch Elimidate. And he's cute when he plays my guitar....
he smiles when my family cries. he smiles when my dad gets the Beatles and the Monkeys mixed up. he smiles when I burn 13 Led Zeppelin cd's for him...he smiles after we kiss. that's my favorite.

We met while he was singing Dashboard, and I thought he was making fun of him and I was outraged. Dashboard holds so many wonderful memories for me. Now holding one more.

a boy so lovely that he loves me for everything I am. mistakes included.
and my mom asked if i was in love. and I told her I wasn't. and she asked if i was going to break his heart...and I told her I wasn't sure.

the boy I always dreamed of. almost.

there must be something more that I'm missing. there must be something more to him. because I need more maturity. I need something deeper. I need a boy with intuition.