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December 25, 2003 I'm Not Such A Good Listener in some aspect I have changed to be more like it in...all aspects. I have gained much insight to myself by reading what I never thought I could write. Only God knows why I write one way, and talk another. This is formal. It must be clear and precise...but never concise. To be concise would be falsely portraying myself...for I am not a woman of few words. I aspire to be. That said, maybe I should change my writing. Maybe I should ask less questions and pretend to be self-assured. Maybe I should insert the word "like" in here much more than as a similarity. Maybe I should put ::sound like a ditzy valley girl:: before every entry. Change my layout...no... black is me. I wear tons of black, and think I look darn good in it. I don't feel like going in any direction with this...which is much like me, so I won't. That way...no one will ever again think that I should talk like I write. I'm high maintenance and complicated. This does not mean expensive. Au contraire, I do not cost a thing....lies. I like dollar store presents. I cost a little bit. I spent lots of money...on myself. I'm selfish, but very generous. Is that possible? Maybe it makes me balanced. This is going to be a long entry of self-discovery, I can just tell. I read my entries aloud so that I can hear my voice. I sing so that I can hear myself...does that make me vain? I like my voice. So does he. Boys in general seem to...this could be setting an unhealthy standard. What if I marry a boy who doesn't like my voice. Would I be offended? I miss beautiful music and I want to go to a museum so badly right now. I need art....I need art right now. Either that or something I shouldn't want. I want to read and be brillant...not sometimes, but always. I want to be so much better. I want to be happy single. I want to be happy in a relationship. I want to work at a soup kitchen and earn no money. Maybe I'll become a psychologist and just own a soup kitchen. That would make me happy. to see suffing stop. I sympathize too much. I wake up wondering how many kids are hearing their moms having sex with random men. How many teenagers didn't go to sleep last night because they want it all to end. Today I wonder how many people will kill themselves. I wonder. I wonder, but I don't really want to know. I'm afraid I wouldn't stop crying. I should love my life. I feel spoiled. Here I have a nice new printer...someone won't get presents. I don't want it, I want to take it all back. Kids are dying of simple diseases because they don't have money. I'm spending 23,000 dollars a year for school. If I have that much money, why don't I help someone, damnit. It's all I really want. I want to stop crying for other people, not because I'm ignorant to their pain, but because it stops...but it never stops. I'm foolish for wishing it. I didn't sent my kids christmas presents in time...the letter came in september, but my mom forgot to give it to me. Shit. That means someone else got a little less so my kids could have Christmas. I'm a terrible sponsor. I'm a terrible vegetarian, Christian, student...but I'm a loyal friend, and for that...I'm thankful. I'm thankful...for once on Christmas I'm not sick. That must mean I'm doing something right. I'm doing a lot of things wrong though. I ask God what to change...he says to stop eating so much, that I'm going to get fat, and I wouldn't be cute as a fatty. He says to stop eating meat - that conviction was real. He says to stop chasing boys. He says a lot of things.
December 24, 2003 GPA Must Rise At Any Cost check my mail check diaryland check my GPA check my college mail no mail, no one has updated, and my GPA is just as I expected. I need straight A's next semester...and I plan on doing it. I had college mail! from the boy who wrote me the poem so long ago. I think he likes me, but he won't do anything about it. He's not shy...maybe he has a girlfriend. Internet relationships...I'm still thinking about what to say about them. I don't want to offend anyone. Before I thought he was scared to show too much interest, but now that insecurities have kicked in, I just think he's not interested at all. I told mom my dilemma and she said..."Why do you need a boy at all?" Anita said,"Do you like them because you want someone?" (or something like that) And the truth is...I don't need a boy. Sometimes it feels like they just fall in my lap (metaphorically). I don't like them just to have someone. They are all interesting people who I love having in my life. I don't know what to do though...and it's not good writing it in here because he reads. so..I'm sorry if anything hurts you or skews your perception of me. It's alright...if we had met in person you wouldn't have liked me anyway, right? If that were't true you might have called tonight. Oh well...I'm a busy girl anyway...I don't need a boy. I have straight A's to make. No one is going to get in the way of that.
December 23, 2003 You said you'd help me.... I am a stupid girl. Your way is slower, and so it's better. It's better if you don't call the next day...it'll make it feel like we're just friends rather than what is really happening. I need to break this habit. I don't need to talk to you everyday. Help me not be a stupid girl anymore.
December 23, 2003 I'm Not Actually This Messy I'm feeling lonely today...but I guess everyday can't be a fun-filled day.
I'm cleaning my room for twenty dollars. Twenty dollars...that makes me happy like woah. But if you saw my room...you'd say twenty dollars doesn't even cover my bathroom.
December 23, 2003 I Just Went To Bed...Like I Said I Wasn't
I didn't want to tell you.... and I realize you have to leave sometime, I understand that, but there was no confirmation that we would ever even speak again. No.."I'll call you tomorrow," or even soon, I had to ask if you would, and you didn't know. Why do I always do this to myself. I analyze everything and take it as meaning something... I think I'll just try to forget about him, maybe this was a bad idea.
December 22, 2003 Don't Even Respond, This Is Just For The Record. I feel the warm sensation. I know it's coming. I wince, and pray it won't be bad this time. At least I'm alone, I tell myself. I tremble a bit and my side gets warmer. I feel every muscle in my torso tense up, and as I'm concentrating on that, I feel my body lean forward. Nothing is holding me up. My muscles have given up their responsibilities. I'm falling forward and only focusing on each muscle brings my body to an upright position. All too soon I'm leaning. It's weird how I can barely tell that I'm falling. It's slow motion. My muscles release, but some tense up, some get warm again, but closer to my back it feels like sand falling. Like kids on the beach sifting it through their precious hands my body fails me. I can feel the grains being pushed by the flexing muscles. I pull my body up again, how is it that I don't notice? Almost a state of unconsciousness, but more like unknowingness. I'm laughing. Why am I laughing? I realize that this is just how my body is reacting to the muscles that are flexing around my lungs. It comes in the form of laughter. I can't move. I stop the laughter and try to calm my breathing. Pull yourself up, but the spasms in my side create hotness I can't ignore. There's the sand, and you're laughing again. Stop it. Stop it. I give in. I regain consciousness to feel a few last body trembles and it's over. I lift my head off of the desk and wonder why no one is here to hold me. I think to myself...go take your pill, Amy...you hate those damn seizures. They are my constant. my comfort. if I close my eyes I can imagine it's an orgasm and it makes the discomfort vanish. It's sexual, and that's scary. They are no longer funny to me, and I can't reason it out. What has changed? I feel out of control. But I don't like control, so what's the problem? You hate those damn seizures, so go take your pill. I'm going to go take a shower. If I'm lucky I'll have another one. Maybe I'll even cry. and mom doesnt think i need help....
December 22, 2003 Shower First, Then Movie, Reading, Tattoo....Nutcracker I'm lonely tonight and I don't think of you unless it's a meaningless memory. I'm okay with that, but I swear you were onto something when I had those seizures, because the feeling of someone not being there kills me. I liked having someone to be pretty for. My mom tells me I'm beautiful, and she's glad I've switched to a classier look. She says I look elegant. I tell her I always was in some ways. But I'm not really. I want someone to tell me I'm beautiful. By someone I mean a wonderful boy. I want someone to look at me with longing eyes like a boy did once. I joke of living together in vegan happiness... he says he's too attracted to me to live together. I'm sure he thinks I'm fishing for compliments, but I'm thankful that it just happens that way. Moods switch and perspectives change... I see myself at the fair alone, with the people pushing all around me. And feeling as if I'm there with a thousand boys who want me....I throw my hands in the air, smile, and concentrating on each word I say, "I want..to be...adored!" I feel my face breaking out and all I can say is..not again. No one will notice but me. That's comforting, but I still know. I want to bleach my skin. I strive to be even more pale. It makes me feel like a rebel. Do you ever do things hoping people will notice? The thing about Mary-Liz was that she always knew when I was doing it. The same about her...we saw through each other's fakeness...so I can tell when she's brushing me off. I've watched her do it to other people too many times to not know it's happening to me. I'm over it. The thing about Brittany is...we know when other people are doing it. haha "Why did that guy say that so loud?" "Maybe he didn't want us to think he was gay?" Thought process is the same, and...I love her so much. I was so scared when I thought I'd been replaced that it's almost a relief to hear that her other friend is mad at her. That leaves time for me. Is that wrong? If it is, I'm sorry...I love the way you drop by to see if I want to go shopping...because you know even if you call ahead you'll have to wait for me. I love the way you call me love. When I date, I want him to be like you, because we co-exist so well. I usually only read diaries of people who have short entries...so why do I write so much? I hope no one minds. I'm going to go watch Office Space by myself because...I'm tired of not watching it. haha I want a boy to love me because I have the silliest thoughts...and I'm serious in thinking them. |