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December 29, 2003 I'm Not So Good At This Pretending Business 2:35 and still no sign...I think to myself, maybe he called to tell me that he doesn't care. I stuff my insecurities back down and remind myself that I'm not supposed to be caring. I go back to reading my book. I'd be asleep if I didn't care.
December 29, 2003 The Poem From Jon I want to draw for you...like I drew for him. I drew something beautiful. He said he'd frame it and he called me sugarplum. But he stood me up, and he's funny, and he ignores me when I ask him why he doesn't ask me out. He does magic tricks and writes long e-mails. He takes me to lunch when I forget my card and he doesn't like music. He didn't even figure out that I'm vegetarian until I told him. He wrote me a beautiful poem...maybe that should say it all...but it doesn't. I didn't write him back from his last e-mail. He knows he purposely ignores my comments of questioning status. I don't mind if he doesn't like me, but I'd like to know. And I'd like the money for his ticket back. What's with boys and standing me up. But he can write me e-mails and call me doll face...he just won't say he doesn't want to date me. He's a silly boy...he's sneaky too, so maybe he just has something wonderful planned. Either way, I feel like the boy. I'm done chasing him. Even if he does want to frame my art and makes me laugh so hard I cry. I never wanted a tan athletic boy who knows nothing of music. He's naive and unaffectionate. He's funny and unpredictable. His name...is Jonathan Mobley. and he writes me silly poetry. I'm writing this poem for a girl I hope you like this poem Point being, I wish I could draw you something wonderful, but I'm done chasing boys...the next boy who wants me is going to have to work very hard. I'm not going to make it easy.
December 29, 2003 I Haven't Drawn Since Then one time I had to do a self-portrait in drawing... man, that really sucked. What a waste of paper, charcoal, and time... I should try that again before I forget how to draw
December 29, 2003 Insecurities Vanish When I Take A Large Dose Of Apathy I can still taste it...and I miss it. Tonight was fun, it's own weird way... In the way where you watch your friend and her boyfriend make out, and you pretend that you have someone, too. Yeah, that's right, I played the voice of both myself and my pretend boyfriend..."I love you," "No, I love YOU!" He wasn't such a good kisser though...poor kid. I'm so silly, I crack me up. Being a janitor has its perks...like keys that can help you steal toilet paper. Just a little. No worries. I'm going to take up reading and stop worrying about boys. I'm glad Stephen didn't call back...I was worried when I saw the "1 missed call." I would have called back, but I figured someone accidentally hit redial or something. I didn't want to make a fool out of myself by calling back. This was before I read the entry...but still. No one has ever made me work this hard.
December 28, 2003 Forever Didn't Last That Long I'm sorry if I'm not like my diary. if I had secrets...these would be them. I don't write in this to record or read back... for the most part I write to release... if I didn't write...I don't want to imagine my life this is my place of comfort where I can be naked. I shed my clothes, but there's no shy look...I reveal myself... my body with all it's lumps and quirks, the parts of me I hate When I was around eight years old I thought I was the ugliest creature alive. All my friends had boyfriends...maybe several, but not me. I cried, and I prayed to God to give me beauty. I hated being ugly. I was afraid I'd be ugly forever...and the thought of that was terrible. Beauty was everything to me. I'm sad to say it still is. Most days I can say I don't care about how I look, and...it's wonderful to take that breath and mean every word that follows. I was afraid I'd be ugly forever. One day I looked in the mirror and I smiled...and I said to myself aloud, "I look pretty." Mom turned to me and said, "Do you believe that, or are you trying to convince yourself?" Now I look in the mirror in vanity. I think I'm beautiful, and I'm not trying to convince myself. Lipstick and makeup with powders and techniques to make your cheekbones stick out, your jawline more defined, your eyes pop out, you're lips look bigger. Today I forgot to put on makeup. That was a good feeling.
December 28, 2003 I Still Love Jesus "Over the mountains and the seas Okay, you have to exercise a bit also...but it's not hard. (even for me) "If I can do it, you can do it."
December 28, 2003 What's New? I'm craving affection. My body needs to be touched. Don't be dirty. A brush, a tap, a hand. anything. attention needed. This is driving me crazy inside. I'm lonely tonight...
December 28, 2003 A Little Something Like This Today I went out with Chris. Superficial friendships...you gotta love them. Turn up the hardcore and don't talk. No talking. We go Goodwill shopping and he shows me his nipple piercings. He got his lip pierced, and his wrist. His hair is much longer than mine, and the girl jeans he wears look better on him than mine do. He's a funny kid...He listens to Christian music, but doesn't love Jesus. He doesn't understand why I don't have casual sex. I went out with Jack Williams today. That was great. We are so much fun...same ole Jacko. He used to be my best guy friend who I thought I was going to marry forever. He loves motorcycles and trucks and Randy Travis. I likes baseball and has been a sort of Christian mentor to me since freshman year of high school. I don't think I'd be a Christian if it weren't for him. I had never met a boy who actually cared about what God thought. He's still an amazing boy. I'd say I can't wait to see what he becomes but he is already wonderful, and I can't see how he could improve much. I don't like him anymore though. He laughed at me because I like boys with tattoos He laughed at me because he said boys were staring at me. I laughed at him because he's a terrible liar. Jack's pickup line: "So......I'm a Math Ed major...." He says it doesn't work...I said I can't imagine why.
December 28, 2003 Mister Barker Tried To Re-Enter My Life I talked to Stephen online...anyone remember him? He asked if he could call me...we talked for two hours. I wasn't upset in the least. For a moment I thought it was odd that I had read the letters I wrote to him just the day before that said things like "I know you'll come back to me...maybe not soon...but in a month, a year, even ten years...you'll be back for me." It took almost two but I was right. For a moment I wanted him. Not for who he was...but for who he is. The little things like how he knew I didn't want to call him...I always made him call me and he never even said anything about it. He brought up so many memories. He remembered a lot of things I had forgotten...little things. He remembered everything about me. Where I went on vacation...what I did there. That I watched the Sunday Night Sex Show. That was so insignificant. But then again...that's why I liked him before. Because he had a 4.0 but was on probation. My little delinquent...now in the Marines studying to be an architect. He draws building and then tells them how to do it...I knew he'd be something great. I always believed in him, even when he cried and hated himself...even when he cheated on me. Even when everyone said he lied to me. I never believed them...and I still don't. He loved me. And...I loved him as much as I hate to say it. But people change, I've changed, he's changed...we've both changed in the same ways. Funny. Some things don't change though...like his relationship with God which was always what held us back. Maybe if he were in love with Jesus I would want him...but I don't. For a moment I thought it would be glorious to be in his arms again, look into his beautiful eyes...his voice has changed. I thought it would wonderful to still give him my first kiss. But that was all just for a moment. I don't want him. haha...I don't want him....that's insane. Read back and he's all you'll read about. He wants to hang out and...although I really think I'm over him...I think it would hurt. He just wants to talk about old times. Walk to our spot, go to our puddle, reminisce. I don't want that. I can be his friend, but I've spent two years trying to forget those things. How he had her number on his arm while he held me and I discovered that I loved him. Her name was on his arm...the whole time. He regrets it. I told him he will for the rest of his life. I may seem arrogant but I was the best thing that ever happened to him. His brother still won't believe that he dated a virgin. haha I love his brother. Maybe I'll date Caleb. He's only 3 years younger? |