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March 13, 2004 - I think I need to take a walk to clear my mind. to clean up the fucking trash on the side of the road from all the literers. God, I hope I get hit by a car. I can smile on the outside, but it's like a dark painting in me that's falling apart. I turn to God, but I feel nothing but pain and I don't want to be here anymore.
March 12, 2004 What The Future Holds it's funny how you never know which way your life is going to go.... If Luke had never taken me to that show...I probably would never have gotten into music at all. I don't know what I'd be all about. I wouldn't be friends with half the people I know. I wouldn't have met my friends in GA, and therefore, I wouldn't be vegan/vegetarian. I wouldn't be an activist or care about the environment or...dig throught the trash with my friend from Ukraine...looking for things to recycle. My life would be totally different. I could have dismissed that show...but I looked it up...and then found other bands. I found Death Cab.... and I wouldn't have been such good friends with Heidi, and we wouldn't have gone to that show with the Brilliant Remedy... I wouldn't have spent time with my cousin and taken her to The Brilliant Remedy's show....where I met Daniel. where I reminded him of Death Cab for Cutie...and inevitably got my first kiss. yeah...you never know what's going to change your life... Who ever knew that going to one show could do that? Who ever knew that sitting in a Steak N'Shake, making fun of a bunch of vegans would change me? Who knows what's going to change me next....I'm so curious.
March 11, 2004 Ima Flunk Outta Here I just want someone to pay attention to me. I dont' know why I didn't go hang out with him tonight. I'm such a jerk. I didn't ignore his calls by any means, but I certainly didn't do much about it when it hung up on us. I totally should have called back. I think it would be fun to get to know him. I just didn't want it to be like a date...I don't want him to think that I am interested, b/c boy...if you don't love Jesus I can't be with you....but I CAN hang out with you. (as long as I don't fall for you lol) I'm lonely tonight, and I guess I should go read some Psychology so that I don't flunk my next test. I gotta bring those grades up for sheezy. Go team, go.
March 11, 2004 Mom Can't Make Anything Without Meat oh man, I just made a delicious vegan stirfry. I wish I had more opportunities to cook. I think I really like it. green peppers, red peppers, corn, waterchestnuts, fake meat, soy, and brown rice... i don't think I love soy sauce so much. It's so darn salty. Hm..maybe I used too much. despite...I can't wait to cook some more. Maybe I should get a whole bunch of people together and make a great vegan meal. It would be funny if no one noticed it was missing meat. haha I'm silly.
March 10, 2004 Same Old Same Old I wanted to buy some vegan books online so I went to check my balance thinking I had about 50 bucks in my account...err..wrong, how about negative 74?? That sound good to you? I threw up my hand and asked God what he wanted. I told Him that earlier today I decided to not to drink or smoke...and then this happens. Some reward...some test. Because now all I want is to get drunk tonight and forget my money problems. I think God wants me to run to him. I'm hungry and being vegan is harder at home than at school now. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Lord...send me an angel.
March 10, 2004 Best Friends Suck "may I please have your number?" the hot boy asked politely. I think I almost melted. Is it possible that he could take an interest in me? probably not...I could only be so lucky. I'm sure at Anderson I could find plenty of boys who are Christians and straightedge, but vegetarian and hardcore as well? if you could listen to this boy talk about Jesus...and all the sudden I hesitate b/c he might read this... hmmm I'm just dreaming. He probably wouldn't care enough to read it anyway. stop fooling yourself, Amy
March 10, 2004 High Hopes always looking for love...trying to force him to be the one. I'm so sick. he's cute. he's veg. he's straightedge. and yes children, he loves Jesus. now the trick is to make him like me... he asked for my number, so things are looking up. I'm so shy...so scared... I hope he doesn't hurt me.
March 09, 2004 lonliness defeats me I get tired of calling...I get tired of waiting for the call... if I had a boy ...he would hang out with me...yeah...if only
March 09, 2004 I Love Me And it's a great dayyyy to be alive, I know the sun's still shining when I close my eyes...hard times in the neighborhood, yeah why can't everyday be just this gOOOOOoooOOOOoooOOOOd. man, I love sleeping in. Straightedge vegan Christian boy....funny, exciting, cuddly.... Where are you? You would make this fantastic day so much better if you would just appear. But if not...I love this day anyway. lol People shouldn't worry so much about me, I just tend to always write when I'm sad...but I'm not always sad, kids.
March 08, 2004 The Everyday Dilemmas Of A Screwed Up Teenage Girl I sat on his couch that reminded me of grandma's in a room that reminded me of that same couch when grandpa was still alive. I never thought I would talk about them this much. I shouldn't smoke. I read his journal. Every page, and I affirmed what I always knew to be true. I love knowing the inside of people much more than being with them. I love to know the details and the things that make them get up everyday. I would never have thought he was such a deep and graceful individual. I never would have known exactly what he thought of me. I have to say it was a lovely description of this empty body I occupy daily. I'm soft. Easily impressed upon. he's right. it's easy to make me laugh, but it's easier to make me cry I want to call Daniel. I miss him an awfully lot. Last night I had a seizure and it made it easier to pretend that his arms were around me. It always sort of scared him when I had them. Nevertheless I miss his bed. I miss his arms, and I miss the time we were in Chicago and he grabbed my hand as we crossed the street. I felt so...complete. in that moment. I told him that it made me sad that I had a whole week of nothing and I wouldn't get to spend time with him, and he said he "didn't fucking say that." But I told him that if I didn't push, we'd never spend time together. "I see." So today I contemplate whether to call and ask him to come with us tonight, or to wait till he misses me and calls me. I fear that will never happen. And I think I miss his adorable tan face a bit too much to wait a whole lot longer for his call. Should I wait? b/c if I wait I'll know that he's thinking of me. I'll know that he misses me and that I was full of crap when I said I'd have to be the one to initiate. If I call tonight, I'll never know if he really missed me at all. And what if he doesn't want to do anything? Will he EVER call or will I just end up calling him the next night too b/c I "miss" him. "I'm a sorry sucker for you." There's a show in Muncie on Saturday for Archer Avenue and I want him to take me, but I don't think I'm bold enough to ask. No...I don't dare risk rejection again. I'll end up calling him tonight...I know I will. I just hope I gather the courage before he's too drunk to drive to me. I'm so vain to think that he would want to drive to me. I bet he doesn't miss me at all.
March 06, 2004 He'll Be Married In Eleven Days When I'm old and in the nursing home and no one loves and I'm sad and can't feed myself...I think I'll just become a drug addict. Sounds like a better plan than whithering away helplessly depressed.
March 05, 2004 Maybe I Love It I have a secret you wish you knew but I'm not telling anyone so don't be angry if I refuse to tell I think I like having a secret.
March 05, 2004 The Indie Boy Who Broke My Heart one time I had a dream of a black and white life and I wore long skirts and he pushed me on swings. And he had dark hair and glasses and we talked for hours about things that mattered and he challenged me and he made me laugh and he made me dream and he made me pine for him. so I flew to Georgia on a whim, but he wasn't real. and I can still smell his cologne that he never wore, and I can taste his lips that never existed. I feel his prescence that I drew on my canvas because... he never wanted me. I live in his past and if I thought for one second he was real I would pack up and move to him wherever he was. because he played wonderful instruments and wore wonderful sweaters. he loved Jesus and thought I was precious. he was everything I ever dreamt but with the cloud of smoke he vanished and I looked and looked but he's just not there. I went to where he lived and in desperation I asked strangers who gave me looks that made my skin crawl...but I just thought...if I can find one person who knows him. Just one person who has heard of him my hope will be restored. that was a long time ago. and I've written much about him. someday he will appear to me...someday. until then I will continue to dream and pine and... in the end our conversations were inappropriate, and we felt bad...and my excuse is that he was protecting my purity and so he backed off...but why didn't he want me to visit. I don't understand, Jack...I'd do anything to understand.
March 05, 2004 One Time and I wish that someday a boy would actually like me actually like me what was I thinking...nothing lasts nothing is real Kelsey and Mischon say that he'll call back and say he's sorry...and I don't think they were just being nice... but I really don't think he will. he's just not like that. I'm not sure why they said it, nothing prompted them...it just sort of came out...so maybe they're right. he said it was just too soon. he's right. he's so right. I don't know why I got upset. I wanted to break things off anyway. I can't date someone like him. I have dreams. I have this vision of the perfect boy. and at one time he existed in my life...and I don't know where he went.
March 04, 2004 I Was Not A Happy Camper sorry about the other day my language my state of mind I was PMSing so it's totally forgivable lol
March 04, 2004 I Need To Start A List I decided that I should read more. So the other day when I skipped my classes I grabbed some books and I've actually been reading. I'm supposed to do the Purpose-Driven Life with Daniel...but he's reading another book and told me he'd catch up, but it's not one of those kind of books that you fly through. I told him I'd wait for him, but that he couldn't read ahead. I sincerely told him that I didn't want him to make me to do it alone so he said something to the effect of doing it together. why didn't he start when he was supposed to... so I'm reading Catch 22 which is supposed to be a classic, and The Diary of an Anorexic Girl which by the way isn't very good yet and I'm 60 pages in...I hope it gets better. I spent ten bucks on that. I need to go buy Cut, now that was a good book if my memory serves me right. I can't wait to be a counselor. Mom says that when I buy these books about anorexia, depression, and self-mutilation that the employees probably think I have a lot of problems. But maybe it just makes them think that people like to read them, and it takes the pressure of those who DO have the problems, and no one will look at them funny when they buy them. I hope that's the case. Either way, I don't tell them that I read for inspiration and knowledge and not as a self-help book. Let them wonder. I like reading. and I like boys who read. If anyone knows good books I should be reading...let me know.
March 04, 2004 A Praise, A Story, And A Prayer I'm glad no one is lecturing me. I know I'm being silly, but don't for one second think that I'm oblivious to my mistakes. I kind of just wanted to see what it was like to be of the world for a little while. I want to be able to relate. I know it sounds crazy and dumb...but everyone has thought about it. You know you have. Not even for the element of fun, but for the knowledge of the addiction and the stress of withdrawl. Of the world. I can't even do that right. I talk to God all day long and I'm reading 3 Christian books including my Bible. How of the world is that? I know anyone who knows what I'm doing will be worried (not many know yet) but I'm not lost...and I haven't forgotten Jesus. I'm just experimenting. And if you think this is the devil's way of easing me into this lifestyle (which I'm aware that if very well may be) then pray for me. In fact, pray for me anyway. And pray for Daniel, he goes/went to the doctor today. Maybe it will trigger something in him? or maybe the medicine will motivate him? I don't know. I'm praying for some sort of....anything. Things cannot go on how they are, but I hate to break it off. I'm miserable when I think about him, but I can't wait to see him. It can't be healthy, but if I leave he'll just drink when he'd be spending time with me. This is not missionary dating, or even out of guilt. I think I know what I'm doing here, but pray for me...please. pray, but don't worry Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own. -Matthew 6:34
March 03, 2004 I Take Life Too Seriously fuck feelings and self-respect I hate me
March 03, 2004 I Just Miss Physical Touch, Not You thanks for comforting me when I feel like dying I never want to see you again yet strangely I still want to kiss you I feel like crying instead I'll just kill my lungs God, I need a hug
March 03, 2004 Pull The Covers Over My Head I called Stephen Barker tonight...he called me back. He's getting married... March 17th...do you know what day that is? 3/17 that's right kids, the number I fear I'm going to lay in my bed that day and pretend like it didn't really happen. I think I'm going to die that day. it is so a sign of something terrible. Daniel's getting drunk that day... nothing good with come of it
March 02, 2004 Deep Conversations With Strangers Are The Best Kind I told my mom that I talked to you while you were drunk...she never comments. I think she trusts me enough to know that I know what I'm doing. Maybe she's wrong though. Just like my RA trusted me to not be physical with Paul...but I guess I wasn't, so maybe I'm just too hard on myself. Sometimes I just feel like people give me too much credit. I make a lot of bad decisions. Today I skipped chapel, and psych lab, and intro to bible...and I walked to Bixby's to smoke. I couldn't stop thinking about what I do wrong in my life. I got some coffee and stared into space while the employee ogled at me. He reminded me of Neil so it didn't freak me out. I kind of looked like crap though. I felt really dizzy this time, and smoked another. I just wanted conversation. I wanted these insecurities to be pushed out of me with the smoke. I talked to random people at sandwich shops and the lady asked me to sit and talk with her. And we did. And they said they would make me vegan food and talk with me whenever I needed. I went to the Christian bookstore and spent a lot of money buying books I'll probably never read. I talked with a boy whom I barely know and learned a lot. I sat with an old lady and sympathized with her MS, and she told me how they were putting an IV in her for all of next week and she told me she was scared and I hugged her. I talked to God a lot, and I drank too much coffee, and I smoked too much and I threw up. And today was lovely. And I feel beautiful. I called friends to let them know how I love them, and I told my mother too...I started this day with a tear, but it has turned into a constant smile. And I think I should take personal days and walk more often.
March 02, 2004 Maybe It Was Just Bad Food I feel sick to my stomach thinking about you, because I know I shouldn't want you. maybe I should just walk away....or maybe you'll change. I think I'll just wait it out, give you a chance.
March 02, 2004 Ambition Is Something We Lack you were short with me and once again I felt like crap. I hate talking to you online. But we're doing that book together and it excites me because I think it will be good for both of us...if you actually follow through. I bet Hi-D ten bucks that you wouldn't read tonight...I hope I'm wrong. How am I going to date someone whose word I don't believe. I can't do my homework...I have no will. I stayed in the room all day and did absolutely nothing but talk on the phone and online. So here I am at 1 am trying to finish a rough draft when the final draft was due today. Odds are I won't get counted off...I told him I was sick, and I'll turn it in first thing tomorrow. As long as you communicate with professors...they're very understanding. Man...I really hope you read tonight.
March 01, 2004 I Probably Shouldn't Sleep Over you told me at one that if we didn't leave then, that you'd fall asleep, but neither of us got up. We finished the movie and at four you told me that you could still take me home, but I really didn't want to leave. You told me that I'd be the one to get into trouble, not you. "I won't get into trouble." You made it sound like you wanted me to leave, but I think that you were just trying to protect me. So eventually you fell asleep and I grabbed your hand to pull you up and said it was time for bed. You told me you'd be in. And with the lights off, you crawled into your bed, under the covers that hid my body...and you held me. I miss that at night.
March 01, 2004 First Kiss I wanted to let you read my diary, but I was embarrassed. I want to get you out of my head, but I can't I pray for you more than you'll know. I cry for you, but maybe someday I'll let you know that. I don't know what's come over me. You're everything I've never wanted, but I still feel like God has put us together. You smoke and drink and curse like a sailor, you're not super intelligent, you don't love Jesus, and you don't even care about animals anymore...you just don't want meat. Maybe I'm just more shallow than I thought, because wonderful boys have tried to kiss me before and I didn't let them. I didn't let them....but I wanted it to be you. Maybe it's because you're beautiful in your depression. Maybe it's the hot haircut I gave you or the way your black Morrissey shirt looks so sexy on you. Lying on your bed with one hand at my waist and the other in my hair, I knew it was coming. So I bit my lip and swallowed hard, and tried not to breathe as our faces were close and our lips even closer. I told myself to just relax and you pulled me into you, and for the first time I wasn't scared. Our lips pressed and I could tell you had licked yours too. Once, twice, your mouth opens wider and I get scared. I pull away because I'm not ready to make out with you...I haven't yet brushed my teeth, and I wish I were wearing lipgloss. So self-conscious. I put my head back on your shoulder and caress your hair, but you're not moving. You won't touch me and all the sudden I feel so alone because I just gave you a gift I've been holding onto for a long time. And you won't embrace me. I pray that it wasn't a mistake and I start to cry because it didn't matter to you. So I turn to face the other way, I don't want you to see my cry. You get up and go smoke and don't come back. I'm afraid you'll never come back so I go out to the couch and you join me, but you still won't touch me. You won't grab my hand or say anything about what happened 10 minutes ago. You start a movie, but all I want to do is go home, I don't have the guts to say it. The whole day is awkward, but I try to make it better. I followed you outside to smoke even though I think you want time alone. I don't. I want you to tell me how much you like me, I need you to comfort me, but I don't think you realize what a big deal this is for me. Finally I say that I should leave and you drive me home and walk me up...and I tell you that you can come inside if you want because I secretly want to talk about what happened so many hours ago, but you say you should get back, and we stand there awkwardly. I want you to kiss me, and hold me, but you give a quick hug and I stand there....we turn away. And you always kiss my hand before you leave, but you didn't this time. You didn't kiss my hand. And I run up to my room discouraged and mistaken I just want to cry, but there are phone calls and eventually I tell my mom that I have to go be upset now, and the tears start rolling and she can tell that you're breaking my heart. I think I layed there for 2 hours going over what happened, and telling myself that I said I'd never regret my first kiss. So I called you...and with tears in my eyes I asked you to tell me that I was making it all up in my head, that you really do like me and that I'm just a silly girl who's scared. And you did. And you told me you weren't ready for a relationship, but that's good...because I'm not either. I just want to know that it wasn't a mistake. You say you feel like an asshole, because you shouldn't have been the one to kiss me, but two others have tried and I didn't respond. I WANTED you to kiss me. But I didn't want to cry. And I tell you that if you didn't want a relationship you shouldn't have kissed me, but that's a lie. You just got out of an engagement four months ago, I can't expect you to be over her. It took me over a year to get over Stephen. I am a rebound girl. You tell me that you're watching a movie so I pretend I have to go and you think I don't want to talk. I was just trying to be considerate. You tell me you were planning on getting drunk, partly because of me, and I say I'm glad you didn't. You say you drank a fourth of whiskey, but it's not enough to get you drunk...and that you're stopping. An hour later your drunk off your ass, but think you're sober and want to drive...so I talked to you for three hours. I was scared you'd do something stupid. I pray for you more than you'll know...and I cried for you today too. And I don't know what I'm supposed to do...because we were placed together for a reason, but the conversation that followed was not one of those reasons...and I'm ashamed of myself. sometimes I cry for me, but today it was for your soul. |