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January 17, 2004 I Can't Wait I can't wait to get married...I don't think I'll ever wear clothes. I hope he doesn't complain about the heat bill...but something tells me he won't.
January 17, 2004 Animals... so while talking tonight I was telling about my passions, and what IS important to me...God, my kids, vegetarianism, helping people...specifically with eating disorders and self-mutilation, animal rights...etc vegetarianism is so important to me. I feel like I have such good reasons, but I'm so weak and slip up sometimes. not as often as people think though. But I use things that include animal byproducts, cheese, chocolate, honey, milk, and I wear leather shoes. I just want to stop. I want to be vegan again. I stopped being vegan b/c I wasn't eating. I just couldn't handle it. But now I'm in here eating chocolate for fun, and at home I had little cheese blocks and...it's not a matter of eating anymore, I'm abusing it. I'm going to try veganism again b/c it's how I really believe I should be living. Oh gosh, pray for me. I suck at this game.
January 17, 2004 Strong Hands Needed I need a boy...I can't get the lid off my jar of salsa :o(
January 17, 2004 Random Visitor I had a random visitor tonight. I don't know the girl very well but she said she needed someone to talk to. Serious boy trouble. Boys can be scary. I guess he became very possessive and hunted her down today and called all of her friends to find out where she was. And when she found out she was with a boy (just a friend) he went to his apartment. Um...psycho?! So she told me about her troubles and asked me how I was with boys and I told her all about you. And I couldn't stop smiling, but I kept assuring her that we were just friends and...she says I've pushed my attraction to the back of my mind as a defense mechanism. I told her she was right, but that it might be a good thing. She agreed. She said a lot of things that made sense. We talked for over 2 hours, about everything, but I don't think we'll be wonderful friends...we didn't laugh together. but I thoroughly appreciated her company
January 16, 2004 I've Always Been Giving - But It Doesn't Mean I'm Good At It Amy: I used to sign the Backstreet Boy's songs because I felt bad for all the girls who were deprived of Nick Carter's beautiful voice. Mallory: You knew deaf people? Amy: No, but I had plans to. This is my RA's current away message. They thought it was hilarious...I was just trying to be helpful
January 16, 2004 Practice I went to the big class today...and I didn't have to sit alone. I actually had friends. Multiple people wanted me to sit with them and that felt so good... I started thinking about my entry a couple back though, about how I lose sight of my compassion when I get friends. There is an overweight boy in the class who has to sit at a special desk, and I felt horrible for him...he's by himself and he doesn't talk to anyone. I don't know what to do. Today I had lunch alone again, and I was content. I guess when I'm alone...I want friends there, but I don't look at people and think, "Why don't they come talk to me?" because it's for the same reasons that I don't talk to them. So...I don't expect him to want random people to give him pity visits...but it seems like there should be something more than prayer that I can do for him, ya know? I feel terrible. Another thing along the same lines...I always wonder if people ask themselves why I'm sitting alone. I look pretty normal today, and I'm attractive, I don't eat like a slob and I don't make things awkward...ya know? any strange behavior that you might expect. I'm not anti-social or boring. I wonder if people look at me and think maybe it's a choice? or maybe I'm just weird? and I wonder if boys look at me and find that attractive. Because I see boys who are sitting alone and reading a book, it's terribly attractive. Maybe I'm just strange like that, I guess I just like the loners. or maybe I'm just here so people can feel sorry for me, maybe God put me here to make other people feel good about themselves...I'd be alright with that. |