|
January 03, 2004 Lessons Learned: Our Purpose I love Brittany...she has a way of convincing me that everything will be alright, and not just in a sense that I will make it, but in such a way that things will be fixed. Now that she's not here I have a hard time believing it...but best friend knows best. So...I have to trust her. She said to be more positive and less insecure about the situation. I told her I don't know how to be...because I ruined everything. She told me that I just messed up...and everyone messes up sometimes. And that if that ruined things, then there was nothing to ever ruin. I love that girl, because... even if she's wrong, she listened to me whine for an hour. And she cared. She really is the best friend I've ever had...even if boys come first sometimes. Everyone messes up, I guess...and I have to learn to understand that too.
January 02, 2004 Bitterness Defines Me It's funny how a person who is listed as a favorite on TWENTY-ONE diaries could be so lonely. That's alright, don't interfere with my life...just read about how I don't have one.
January 02, 2004 Teach Me Something New And Wonderful 12 more days. This is like solitary confinement. How do other people deal with this? Surely everyone doesn't have more friends than I do....perhaps. It's a disgusting serenade that seeps into my blood. Cold strings persuade those who are desperate to come closer. I am paralyzed. No steps shall be taken, nor head lifted. I don't pretend to be understood here because they are the thieves of the night. I hesitated once and they stole my joy. precious joy. I clasp onto my cheap cigar and try hard to believe the world revolves around me. Try to believe that someone would want to revolve around me. I play the fool in the scene all too often, blindfolded and silent to my inner thoughts, and as they pass I consider joining them in their efforts. Who else would accept me, and what other way to retrieve my joy? I follow the crowd and lose sight of your eyes...but you don't run after me. The expected disappearance of a constant mutilates me. pulled.crushed.disturbed.incomplete.torn.broken.shattered afterwards I am nothing. I have failed my God and decieved my beliefs. I hate thinking, but what else am I to do tonight? This inescapable feeling that this will always be the result simply because it always has been. I don't know what love is...
January 02, 2004 Maybe I Dream Too Hard I had a lovely dream and we didn't fight and we redecorated our apartment and we visited a museum and you touched my face and kissed me softly mid-argument over grammar and we were happy...
January 01, 2004 Passing Thoughts That Dwell Too Often It's funny how people enter your life. One by one the stories all significantly different. He met me by the salad bar at work. I hated her at first. She was my roommate. We became friends in advanced keyboarding. I visited her church. I discovered him at Starbucks He read my diary. He saw my picture. We were born into the same family. She showed a love for poetry. He was skateboarding. He was the friend. I met them in Michigan. How you meet people can be so strange, but the more interesting part of the saga is how they stay in your life. Or even better how they exit. The last would have to be the strangest of all...how those who exit my life always come back. It seems that those who have really known me can't stay away for long. I'm to assume this is a good thing, a sort of magnetism they feel towards me. Don't worry, I am not so pretentious as to believe this with no proof, tis simply a passing thought. A thought that has passed through this mind frequently as of late. False comfort, possibly? It gives me a hope that Mary-Liz will come around, and Justin won't leave my life forever. He's simply taking a break. They're simply taking a break. Yes, I'm a hypocrite for smoking, and yes...I'm sure I did SOMETHING wrong to him and then flipped him off when he addressed me in public....but things will simmer down. It's not like I've never done anything stupid before. It's not like my best friend hasn't called me in...okay it's been a while. Regardless, entrance, exits, and continuations are necessary happenings of this life. Let us embrace them and appreciate the uniquness and variance they cause to our
January 01, 2004 A Short Prayer/ Reminder I was supposed to have someone this Christmas. This was supposed to be the year that my loneliness vanished. I thought it was all washed down the drain when Cleveland broke me. I fixed quickly, and to keep with my expectations I'm actually not lonely. I decided that I would be okay if Michael stopped talking to me or if Jon never wanted to be anything more than friends. I did a stupid thing yesterday. A stupid, stupid thing...and I have a secret back in my life. Most people would be thrilled to have a secret, but Dark Secrets only hold back edification, and I hate it. Nonetheless, I will tell no one...but I will get past it with the help of Him alone. I love You, Jesus, and I'm sorry for ever letting this get in the way of that Love. Please work on me. I've changed so much and I'm ready to stop, but let me know that there is so much more to improve. Mold me like You, even if it hurts a little at first. You know what's best, and I trust You fully. When I told You that You could have all of me, those words were not empty...you can have ALL of me. My body, my words, my actions, my attitude, my focus, my major, my money, my job, my friends...even my music. You laugh because that was so difficult for me to give to you. So difficult. "Anything but my music, God. You can have all of me but that." How foolish I was to believe that you'd only want a large percentage of me. My biggest struggle now, I lay in your hands, and close them tightly...never let me see it again. Never again, God. Take every urge and temptation from this mind, these lips, this body. Take it all and make me whole. Fill that part of me with your Spirit and let that evil never near my mind again. I'm so sorry.
December 31, 2003 I'm Sorry Again... passion and flames being on FIRE for God I won't settle for less than what He wants I was meant to live for so much more and I intend on pursuing that P.S. Boys who love Jesus are hott.
December 31, 2003 Glorification Of Insecurities pro-ana makes me cry and I wish we didn't have bodies to worry about I don't know what it's like...but I've been the best friend of two victims. Three years later I'm still trying to patch up our friendship. But no one should ever make fun like they did to that girl. That doesn't help at all. If you can't rely on your family you can always rely on...your obsession. terrible.terrible.terrible disease.
December 31, 2003 I Look Hot In Stripes physical updates: face is getting clearer...yet somehow tan note to self: must stop that I shower more often, almost everyday now I think my boobs grew, that's pretty cool I think my lips grew too, or maybe that's just wishful thinking I'm losing weight my haircut is actually kind of cute, though not xfashioncorex as I had hoped after four years my nails are still not how I want them. I lost my favorite strengthening polish. grr my laugh changed...and I like it. I'm prettier than I was, and that's a real encouragement from all these, much confidence has spawned. I'm not much of a girly girl...but every girl thinks about her appearance, mine just used to be...yep, I look like crap, I'm going out. I take care of myself now. How weird is that? The other day some lady asked me if I modeled...yeah, that was awesome.
December 30, 2003 That Grrrlllll "If i have to live to be old enough not to take care of myself and end up in a nursing home, I want to be cool enough to pull the fire alarms and say it's the church bells and that everyone better get up and go to chruch, dammit." -Heidi Emmelman, 2003
December 29, 2003 Once When I Was Sick I Wrote A Song About How I Only Had Four Senses I love boy hands...just how they look. But I wish I remembered what they felt like.
December 29, 2003 [Insert Title Here] don't I feel foolish. he called again. I called back this time. I programmed the numbers wrong and it wasn't him at all. Stephen...the whole time. I don't want to think about this anymore. I kind of just want to make out. |