|
February 26, 2004 Exercising Does That To Me emotionless state. I don't know what to feel. I'm having mood swings.
February 26, 2004 Just A Bit dilemmas in my heart and my mind will I ever know what God wants from me? Going home was terrible. People change and I don't even feel like we're friends anymore. How does that work? Props to Heidi for letting us stay with her, I almost kissed him on your couch...but almost doesn't count. I told Daniel how scared I was to go talk to Brittany...I told him that he didn't have to come, b/c it might be awkward. Silence. I told him she was probably pretty pissed at me...but she wasn't. It was a glorious time, but it made me miss her all the more. I wrote Justin a letter, but I don't know where to send it. Kelsey and I talk periodically, but she'd doing her own thing and so am I. We'll meet up a bunch this summer. I hope it's wonderful. Daniel said he wants to go somewhere where there's a beach. I didn't know if he was just stating his plans or implying that I might be there too...so I said my wish of going somewhere where no one knows me, and just reading and walking around. I think exploring is the best thing ever. How much do I just love walking around with him...or driving. Walking around downtown has to be my favorite. Then again...spooning is pretty wonderful too. I'm a little excited to see him this weekend.
February 26, 2004 He Stole My Phrase...True Story medical problems galore issues and conflicts within no ambition and bad habits what is this boy good for and why do I like him? I don't think that I could love him, I don't even know how much I like him...but I really care about him. I do wish he would take care of himself...and I wonder what the weeks will bring as we spend more time together. Does he think these things about me? Does he wonder if he really likes me or if he just wants someone to be close and to hold? he's like a little boy who doesn't know what to do, but just won't listen to anyone. low self-esteem he thinks he can't do anything right...I'm afraid to tell him he does anything wrong. If he just weren't so apathetic. But we have so much fun, and there's so much to talk about. I just want to be around him...even if I could never marry him. Maybe you did, but I didn't kiss dating goodbye and I think this could be good for me. in the long run. maybe he'll change. I'm not counting on it. but if he does it would be a wonderful bonus, and great ending to our story. God DOES work in strange ways.
February 24, 2004 Does Anyone Know Me? I can't believe that you would think I did anything. Any of you. Why is the first question always, "have you kissed yet?" Do you know me? Really, do you KNOW me? How much did I like Stephen, or Sam, or Paul...and I didn't kiss them. I resisted b/c this is important to me. I'm not saying I'll never kiss him, b/c I probably will, but this was the question after the first date. Brittany didn't ask...at least I don't think so. Heidi either. And you hovered over me, looking for something to be wrong, looking to see if you could tell if I was having sex or not. Maybe not sex, but you were searching for something. You never talk to me that much. I hope she's lying and you didn't really think that anything happened, b/c that makes me sick to my stomach. You said you knew that I had changed a lot. But from what she said you were mad b/c you thought something had happened. Someday you'll be a great friend to me. Until then I'll live by the same word I have since the day I met you: patience .you should know better. all of you.
February 24, 2004 He's Coming Just For Me I decided not to date him. and then I called him
February 23, 2004 To Be Or Not To Be: That's The Question About Us what to choose what to choose what to choose my mind is spinning and my heart is fluttering and my brain hurts and I think I'm going to puke. I don't know what to do. From the beginning I've felt like God has been making everything so perfect...and it has been. but he's ruining it. Damn you, Daniel, for ruining my perfect scenario. You're not the perfect boy for me either, you just seem like it. Why do you kiss my hand when we part, why do you refuse to let me pay and open all doors. You make me laugh so hard when you're "dropping bones" and the fact that you're all indie, but love rap and country...just like me. We laugh at the same jokes and don't eat meat together, we use the bathroom at the same time every time and get shy around each other. We read minds and fall asleep and sit at restaurants till they ask us to leave. We talk about nothing and everything and you tell me your weaknesses. We lay together and if people think we've done anything they don't know me at all. You don't even try to kiss me when our faces are only centimeters away as we sleep. You yawn and put your arm around me as I almost cry while we watch Bright Eyes and I don't ever want you to leave. We love the same lines of songs and zombies and the fifties. We drool over the same muscle cars. We ask each other if we want to go inside, when really neither of us wants to be with anyone but each other at that moment. It's cold, but it's colder inside where we don't talk and feel left out of all conversations. We like it as just us. We don't have dates like everyone else. Our second date lasted 39 hours, the first 31. We have 70 hours of dates, and it doesn't seem like it's only been two. I don't feel emotionally attached like I usually do. I always give more emotion and dreams away before we ever touch. We're too physical...even if it's nothing bad. It's mostly me. I apologize. You apologize for being an asshole. I tell you you're not but you tell me I just haven't seen it yet. I get scared. You've done so many drugs, and had so many girls chase after you. You've lived away for so long and dropped out of college, you've been straightedge and vegan and back again. You love animals more than I ever will and you're adorable when you sleep. You don't like yourself and I want to tell you that I like you enough for both of us. I tell you to let me care about you and you just sit there. I ask if I'm worrying over nothing- I don't even know how you feel. You tell me you want to date me, but you're afraid you'll drag me down. I think that's respectable ...and I wish you'd change. But I'm not into missionary dating, and I don't want you to change for me. I want you to change for everyone who loves you and for yourself and God...and me too. you say you'll quit smoking after Death Cab, but you said you'd quit after those last two packs...and I wonder if you bought more after we parted I refuse to be my grandmother. I refuse. Why should I compromise for the worse when you could change for the best. You say smoking keeps you awake while you drive. I believe you. You say that smoking keeps you from being suicidal. I don't know what to think. I don't think I'm ready for that jelly. You might be too much to handle. I don't know what to do. Boys never like me...but I don't want this to be about having someone. I'm perfectly happy alone. But being held wasn't bad either. I don't want advice, I have enough to think about. Just...pray for me. if anyone got this far. I'm good for him. and he makes me laugh, he makes me feel like someone cares about me. I've never had anyone...and maybe I just want a temporary prince charming. or maybe I'm just a stupid girl actually...I'm sure that one's not so true anymore what the hell am I going to do....
February 19, 2004 And He Will I want a boy to love me because I say "catchy tune" instead of "good song." |