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January 11, 2004 I Have Compensation, Don't You Worry dyeing my hair makes me feel pretty I want a boy to touch it maybe I can pay someone when I get to college...or I can get a hair buddy. Boys like their hair to be played with too.......don't they? hm.
January 10, 2004 T.V Is Much More Important- What WAS I Thinking? for a minute I sort of felt like Matilda "Could you stop talking? We're trying to watch the T.V." "Oh, I'm sorry, sorry for trying to communicate." my family is weird
January 10, 2004 A Little Appreciation P.S. I love skirts and hugs and I had a dream that my green sweater didn't shrink
January 10, 2004 When My Dad Used To Ramble I Would Block Him Out And Pray That God Wouldn't Make Me Like Him I played the observant one today, and I realized that all of my family talks a lot without really saying anything. It's hard to be any different when you're forced to be in this environment all the time. I've done really well with the complaining issue because I've been away from home...now I need to work on talking too much. Wow...it's really no wonder that I interrupt people. If you don't interrupt at my house you never get to talk. nature vs. nurture my environment definitely affects me kinda sucks
January 10, 2004 Understanding Love-Understanding Fear I just want someone to understand me... to understand my pain it's nothing obvious, nothing tragic... I just seem to attract people who hurt like I do, and we don't mix well, I suppose. I just want someone to understand...do you get that? I'm willing to be better...teach me...encourage me...love me. I hurt...and it used to just be for me, but now I hurt for everyone else too...and I think you're starting to understand that. I think it's funny that you love me for that, because no one's ever cared about that part of me before. I think rather than teaching you how to love me, I'm teaching myself how to let you love me. You should do the same. (just keep your promise)
January 10, 2004 No Apathy Here Chief, No Sir scare me with every conversation but I suppose that if I have to choose- our good endings are much better than our good beginnings
January 10, 2004 - how great is Dead Poetic? Man, that show was the best. I was standing right up against the stage, my finger in his face. I got to touch Brandon, and Chad made eye contact with me several times...that was wonderful. I think he loves watching me dance, not many do it. Brandon hit him with the microphone and he got a bloody nose. After the show he said hi to me and I asked if I could have the rag, he was like..it's all bloody! I was like...yeah...I know. He thanked me for coming out to the show again and we talked for a bit. It makes me so happy that he remembered me without me asking. Saw my friend Kurt from college, formerly known as "the hott boy," man, I was dumb...he's not very wonderful at all. He told Chad I was dying to get the rag signed and made me look stupid...I didn't really want it signed. A boy was smoking and it smelled sooo good. I asked him, and he said they were cloves. (eh, eh, Heidi?) I met some cool kids and tried to avoid Liz who asked me what was wrong. I pretended like nothing was just to keep peace for the concert, I wasn't about to ruin my time. I stood alone for most of the concert and danced away. Andy Jackson's ex-girlfriend who I thought didn't like me came up and asked me if I always came alone. She said I could put my stuff with theirs and I just thought...I knew I always liked her. It all ended and while waiting for my ride, I was reading some Clive Staples and a wonderful boy came to talk to me. We talked about books and then we shook hands and I left. I love meeting cool people. ahh...it was a good night.
January 09, 2004 I'll Work On It there's something about getting pretty for no reason that makes me feel good I know I'm just going to wash it off and go to bed...but I look pretty for just a while. my lashes are long and my lips are red, my hair is perfect and I throw on a scarf. Frank Sinatra comes on just to make me feel classy, and for a moment I smile at me just to know there's some happiness inside there. (but I wish I were more pale) .never completely satisfied. but why is it I can never get this look in the morning? I think all girls experience this. I think I'll start wearing red lipstick everyday. maybe dye my hair red? get some green contacts? (people would kill for my blue eyes) And Frank sings to me "...I love you, just the way you look tonight." could I be a little more vain?
January 09, 2004 Where Are They Now? you remind me of what writing is all about I feel so elementary you remind me of when I used to go to poetry readings and I'd listen to Jason read. I never thought I could be attracted to a thirty year old man who is less than beautiful, but his words...I'm a sucker for words, but it's unlike other girls. To listen to his parrallels and tact, the way he bashed Bush-and even if I disagreed, he did it so beautifully. Not beauty with flowers or beauty with majesty but in eloquence and rhetoric he succeeded in mesmorizing me. I miss poetry readings and I miss anything poetic because...I can't write like that, but this appreciation within me explodes and tears appear for no reason...and I want that. I want to write like that. I noticed you've been writing for over six years, but I'm too impatient for that. I'm no poet. but how freeing it must be to possess that skill. I throw myself into projects and reading and loving other's poetry...and attempt to free myself through the observance and understanding. It simply doesn't work. He's right, I'm too weak to push the sadness away and so I hold it close. I cling to depression. And I waltz with my murderer. I thrive on fear. And I want it to end.
January 08, 2004 Plans! Plans! Plans! finally done. that only took forever. tomorrow is a big day. I just feel like sleeping it away... lunch with Grandma, then art with Jess and Anita, next comes quality time with Brittany, and for shizzle some talk time with Michael(I better get to). Oh Oh, and a Dead Poetic show on Friday. I made a new friend who is going to be there so I don't have to talk to Mary-Liz. I should probably call Chris for a ride though. That goes on the agenda for tomorrow. and I head back to school on Sunday. I can't wait! ahhh!
January 07, 2004 Deprivation For The Sake Of Hopefulness I reminded myself of you. thinking your thoughts. not saying things you wouldn't say. man, we're so good for each other.
January 06, 2004 I Sit In Silence I'm pensive tonight, and a bit quiet. I don't know how anyone watches the news and can smile afterwards.
January 06, 2004 These Arguments That Ended In I Love You I saved a conversation from a long time ago... I hate finding these things...these arguements. arguments where we gave up. sometimes letting go is best...and I still think it was best for us... He writes sometimes, I'm afraid to respond. Our time away is good for me. You're not the person you portray yourself to be, and maybe it's because it was always "on [my] terms," but I can't deal with that...not with a friend who holds things over my head, that's just not fair. but I'm burning bridges that were burnt so long ago the smell of smoke in my hair was lost with time... I like not being friends. And that's not hard for me to say anymore. We were bad for each other. even as friends. as any more than that we were terrible.
January 06, 2004 The Question Is What Book To Study? I hope you love your letter, and I hope we're friends until the time we can stand it turns into forever. Tough friendships are the best if you can get them to work...and with us both willing and determined, I don't see failure in our stars. ::whispers:: ((teach me to be better)) It's okay to be arrogant, this one's about you, "dude." my heart flutters, and I think just friends is just wonderful.
January 06, 2004 All Days Should Start And End Like This today I feel loved, appreciated, and dare I even say....cherished. today was a good day
January 05, 2004 Keep It In The Family Moms just know. And even though she's not my mom... I know she knows. She looks over, smiles, and waves...and I know she knows. I love that lady.
January 04, 2004 My Love Language Is Quality Time Now that I think of it...I remember telling you that I thought he was flirting with you more than me. You two were engaged in conversation while I slept on his bed. It was after that that you left and I told him the terrible secret that created his disgust for me. I was jealous that he talked to you more than me, when we were supposed to be "talking." Let it not be said of me that I never approved of a friend's relationship, because I am truly happy for you guys...now only jealous because he's taken my friend. I do wish she would spend time with me more often.
January 04, 2004 Purpose ::sigh of relief:: and promises that it won't happen again if successful this could be a great relationship if not...well, that's not an option edification is the name of the...whoops, no more games, Amy
January 04, 2004 To Do List holding on to that memory...holding on, holding on, holding on to what? maybe I should just let go. maybe I should just let it go like you always said. maybe I really am as stubborn as you thought. maybe they aren't such bad things and you should try not letting go.
January 03, 2004 Psychotic Dreams With Me As The Owner I had a dream that my sister(only it was really my cousin) and I killed my mother in her sleep. My sister had killed two before so I made her do it. 5 stabs in the chest. Our MO? take a knife and make a cut down the middle of her face on every picture hanging on the wall...and the insertion of a tampon in the anus. The plan was to put on a pair of jeans and run away, but my sister curled up in blanket and cried. I held her...and then took away the knife. I decided maybe I should run away alone, after all...She has killed 3 people.
January 03, 2004 One Would Think I've Spent Days Without You it's funny that he won't reply. He used to hesitate and almost tell me he loved me. He almost touched me. He almost kissed me. He almost wanted me. It feels like none of it happened. He promised he'd call. I laughed and told him I knew he wouldn't..he said he'd prove me wrong, but all he did was prove me right. sometimes I like to be wrong I don't want this to be like that. Something that started quick and ended quicker. feelings rushed and anger shown. he said he cared, but he brushed me off like nothing I've ever seen don't care for me like that I promise I'll never act like that again. I don't make so many promises, and I'm developing a hatred for empty words. |