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January 13, 2004 It's Up To You
January 13, 2004 In Awe vulnerability is such a beautiful thing and I swear I would have kissed if you if I had seen those words spilling from your lips
January 13, 2004 Anything- Make This Longing Fade, Please some days I just want to cuddle under the covers and watch a movie. to be held. Physical touch is a shunned element in my life....God, I need to be touched.
January 13, 2004 - words don't usually scare me
January 12, 2004 I Need A Date "You're going to step close to me, put your hands around my waist, pull me close, and kiss me. 3... 2... 1..." some days I just want to give in and make out h a r d c o r e
January 12, 2004 Is My Mic On? ::testing:: I want to stand on top of the bed, hold my hairbrush/microphone and sing my favorite song at the top of my lungs. With dancing moves like these...what boy wouldn't love me? "Gone, like Frank Sinatra, like Elvis and his mom. Like Al Pacino's cash, nothing lasts in this life...Where's your treasure? Where's your hope...if you get the world and lose your soul?" "For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul?" -Matthew 16:26 Switchfoot is so *a*m*a*z*i*n*g* they make me smile the best I think I ever have...and even better ((they make me want more Jesus in me))
January 12, 2004 Looking Forward To Looking Back I certainly feel like I'm being edified. satisfied. love more than implied. sometimes all I need is for someone to listen sometimes all I need is for someone to care that I change. sometimes I feel like I'm jumping up and down, flailing my arms but whispering, "notice me!" desperation and confusion, the longing never leaves. I feel...like life is so big. like it's this "untouchable." And when I think about someone changing mine forever it seems impossible. When I say that Damian changed my spiritual life and Paul changed my view on purity it seems...unreal. No simple action can change my whole life...it's almost laughable, but so true. I feel it. my life changing again. there's an indescribable joy that comes from knowing that I'm about to better myself. overwhelmed. captivated.(terrified). It's even better knowing that someone actually cares that I do...and is going to be there.
January 11, 2004 I'm Dulling My Sharp Tongue For Good "Do everything in love." - 1 Corinthians 16:14 I'm done with hurtful words.
January 11, 2004 With Crayons And Charcoal and Blood Mixed With Tears I wish I could scribble in here, because that's how I feel.
January 11, 2004 Silly Boy, Tricks Are For Kids I used to play a lot of games with boys. My favorite was probably the "how fast can I turn him on?" game, and believe you me, I was darn good at it. I made the mistake of telling Cleveland this, and I think it made him believe that I was all about games and when I said I didn't do "stuff" with guys, well... he thought he was winning by pretending to play along. No wonder he didn't like me. He quickly found out that I'm not that person anymore. Maybe he was the unrespectable one.
January 11, 2004 At Least I'll Be A Happy Fat Person I lost four to six pounds during break..then came home and found a bag of chocolates. oh baby, I missed you... I better eat up...I wouldn't want to be attractive or anything.
January 11, 2004 Mom Says Life Isn't Fair it was a bit of a struggle today. to eat cheese or not to eat cheese...then I found out the cute boy was vegan. Crap! Why is that so hot, and why does it make me feel awful for eating cheese? I walked away feeling terrible...not only for dissappointing the cute boy and not supporting veganism, but...I've let myself down. I mean, sure, I don't eat as much cheese as most people and I only drink soymilk...I don't eat eggs unless they're in something and I don't buy animal skins but...I don't feel like a vegetarian. I feel like a phony, a drop out. Something I was passionate about...I just let it go because it was "hard," and that's so ridiculous. I'm supposed to be determined. Standing up for animal rights. I can blame it on the money all I want, but it doesn't make it any better. I just wish there was something I could do about that. My school forces me to pay $1,115 for a meal plan that consists mainly of animal products. Either that or just plain vegetables. If they didn't make me do that I could buy my own food and make nutricious wonderful vegan meals and I'd be so happy... this isn't fair. I wish I were stronger. I wish they didn't abuse animals. I wish people cared more. I'm such a sellout.
January 11, 2004 Everyone Makes Mistakes I met a vegan boy today. I forgot to ask him to marry me. I forgot how to speak.
January 11, 2004 Thoughts To Ponder in my last entry I questioned how often I apologize... I read Heidi's diary and she said she read a DL banner that said "apologizing is a sign of weakness," she went on to say that she was going to let up on that. I thought about it for a while, and I don't think it is. I think whoever wrote that....is too stubborn or something, I haven't figured it out yet. I don't think I apologize too much, just when I feel it's necessary (P.S. I screw up a lot, so it's often). I know for me, those words do more than they should. I heard them tonight and it made all the difference. forgive and forget and saying sorry made that happen...weird. You say just let it go, but man, I actually did. Without hesitation. Like pressure being lifted. If apologizing is a sign of weakness, I say we all throw our strength in a big pile and watch it burn. Pride is a terrible thing. "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." -Proverbs 3:34 I think we'd all be much happier, and maybe even feel loved. hm.
January 11, 2004 With Meaning And Passion, And I WIsh I Could Read This Aloud To You I work out profound thoughts and assume I'll recieve profound responses, but life is full of broken dreams. on edge, on edge, edge edge edgeapologizing my fucking head off because...I'm afraid to be wrong. but is this wrong? does it make me weak? "...but I'm the one who's wrong, I'm the one who cries." Dead Poetic soothes my thoughts momentarily, but I keep wondering if it makes me better or worse, and I can't decide, but the more I think, the more it doesn't matter. I'm the most confrontational person I know, but it doesn't make me love any less. I can't walk away without resolution. I can't let my head hit the pillow while I'm angry. I can't stop thinking. I hurt & hurt & hurt & hurt...but I'm done hurting and now I hate what I do to you. what I do to everyone. Do we ever come to a point where we can only love? Or will I always say hurtful things? A mission to help people does no good if I'm the cause of the problems. Why do I feel so weak? Why are there so many conflicts, and how do we still say love if we hurt? I feel like a child. I try to step out and give an unbiased opinion only to be shot down. by myself. by others. My profession is hopeless if I cannot find my purpose. so far all I do is hurt myself and others... in a world of pain and sorrow my bitterness is the last thing anyone needs. |