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January 19, 2004 Restrain ugh, make this stop...what is wrong with me? I'm so silly, I just keep having to tell myself no. I can go one day, I'll be alright. (I'm so ridiculous)
January 19, 2004 disappear life isn't interesting anymore...I don't want to have fun, I just want to learn and sleep and read in my room... I just want to disappear in to the background....
January 19, 2004 - according to the "how high is your self esteem?" test, i have... LOW self-esteem.
January 18, 2004 I Will Be a Happy Girl moo ha ha ha ha sometimes I'm so bad but it's going to be so so great
January 17, 2004 helpless and scared God, why do I read diaries of girls with eating disorders? It just makes me cry and there's nothing I can do. I can't take it I can't take it I can't take it I need some power, I need to help, I need to... and all the sudden I realize my theory on how everything is eventually for ourselves...is wrong. I don't even want to get rid of this guilt. I don't want to feel better about myself for helping....I just want their pain to stop. everything is not for selfish reasons, because now I cry for them. and I think about how I worry about my own weight, and that when I became vegan I was worried that I would be skinny and girls would look at me and want to lose weight. that thought scared the shit out of me because I never want people to look at me and think they're not good enough. I can't worry about weight anymore. I love myself and I don't care if I get pudgy because it's not our bodies that matter but our minds, and if it's constantly filled with thoughts of inadequacy then what more are you worth than a beautiful body? Store up your treasures in heaven, girls.... "Then Jesus said to His disciples: 'Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life and what you will eat; or about your body and what you will wear. Consider the ravens, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?'" -Luke 12:22-26 please please please stop. can you really admit that weight should matter this much? it's just a shell... I can't do this... I feel so h e l p l e s s |