Oh How The Vindictive Fall

it's sick that a I have a night without you and I can't do anything but think about you and wish you were here.

I guess in a way it's sweet, but I can't help but feel like it shouldn't be like this.

I should have other things to do ...but I don't.

I keep thinking about the night before last...
my heart was so entirely cold. I couldn't decide whether to break it off or not. that scared me so much that i kind of just...froze. I knew I wasn't in the right frame of mind and was afraid to say anything wrong.

all i can think about is me begging you begging you begging you to talk to me. how my heart had not changed but i wanted it to. I needed you to convince me that everything was going to be okay. I pleaded "I love you." and in a voice so full of suppressed anger that i can't get out of my head you orated, "I loved you."
it was then that both of us were put into our right minds. I didn't cry immediately. I just grabbed the phone to call someone, anyone- to pick me up. You asked what i was doing and I told you I was going home...

for the next ten minutes you held me...and I cried "I just want to go home. I just want to go home."

I'm glad you didn't let me go, because I think we both know if I had gone home it would have been the last time we saw each other.
I had never heard you sound so mean. As I begged you to talk to me you just kept saying we'd talk in the morning. but i couldn't sleep. i couldn't sleep knowing that you had turned the other way and shut me out because of so few words i had previously mistakenly said.
it all began because my doubts about our relationship known. I wasn't gentle. I pretended to be careful. And it scared you so much I could feel you shake. I got some sick pleasure out of knowing that losing me would hurt you. I barely even felt guilty. I knew i wasn't going to break up with you, I just wanted to make sure it would hurt if I did.
I remember you crying over and over again "just tell me you'll never break up with me" and i couldn't speak. I can't make a promise that I'll never break up with you. It would be a lie. Because I CAN'T predict the future. But if I could - as best I can see it you're with me for always.
i'm sorry for that night.
i can't get it out of my mind.
"I loved you."