Five-Thousand Two-Hundred And Seventy Three Shed Tears

I think you're a bitch for the way you treat people. How you pretend. How you indirectly lie. You're the worst kind. But for some reason I'm jealous of you, and you seem wonderful in every other way. How you make them feel...it pisses me off to no end...and when I remember? I hate you and want to disown you as my friend. I could never.

And I think you're a bitch for leaving me. I know you don't need me anymore, but aren't you supposed to be there for me, too? I used to be so thankful for you, and we talked about fun things we'd do when we could drive. A year ago you got your license and we've done 2 things together. Probably the only two times we've talked. It kills me. It kills me everytime I glance at my cellphone and remember when you loved me. You're so hard now. Can anyone get in? The last time I saw you cry was after I did for 15 minutes on my knees after a girl gave her testimony of being anorexic. And I thought we had a breakthrough. What's wrong and why don't you love me anymore? I hate you for not loving me. For leaving me. And I bet you don't know how I cry for you and pray for you. And when I try to spend time with you and you thank me for calling anyway, it hurts. I'm not self-absorbed. I love you so much. And I'm afraid.

And I think you're a bitch for the way you neglect me. How you said I meant so much to you, and then I get dissed for a kid you've known for a month. Do you realize how I felt when I heard that you cried? Do you realize how I cried when I heard it was a lie? How I cried before that. How I cry now. There's something wrong, and I can't see it just yet. Just my amazing intuition I guess...but I'm scared, b/c I'm always right about these things. I'm so scared. I just want to be wrong.

And I think you're a bitch for getting frustrated with me when you're the best friend I've ever had. For not listening sometimes, or seeming like you're listening just to seem like a good friend. For making me compete for your attention when all I want to do is chill sometimes...and not always at Starbucks. I don't always want to do what you want to do, but I compromise b/c I love spending time with you. But I feel like I'm just your crutch sometimes when no one else is there. If you have time when you get done with Bill, if Taylor doesn't call...if Carmela doesn't want breakfast...and if you don't mind driving.

And you...you're the ultimate bitch. You're the bloody asshole in my life. //the ripped anus I could have done without// You taught me how to love unconditionally and then gave me the exam...."Let's see if you still love with your heart under my feet, aye?" Let's see if you can pounce on my organ when you're anally mating with your own dick, aye? I hate how you lied. I hate feeling NAIVE. I hate you're wonderful hair, and your amazing jeans, the way that you walk and the songs you wrote for me. //for me// I hate you making me feel ignorant because I'm a virgin. Like I wasn't good enough, but you'd like to try me anyway. I hate sticking up for people who only crush my confidence [in them].

If you weren't so damn smart I never would have liked you....how do you drop out with a 4.0? Couldn't you just be some stupid gang leader? I never would have fallen.

I hate your pastor of a father for beating you and teaching you how to hurt people you really care for. How to hide you feelings under abuse. How to hit your own mother.

But I was supposed to be the exception. I loved you despite every horrid think you'd ever done. You couldn't put it past you...but I could. And all I ever wanted was to help you...to love you.

And I know it's over, and I know I don't want you, and I don't need you...but you haunt me. And I think about you everyday and wonder to myself...does she listen to you? does she cry with you when you're sad? does she want to help you and love you. or is she all about fucking? maybe that's what you're all about...and I was wrong.