Memories of Stephen

Meeting You By The Salad Bar. At our first meeting you told me about how your dad abused you, you had stolen a car, and you shared secrets that you made me promise never to tell (I won't). You were a wonderful conversationalist. I was hooked from day one.

Ugly Black Band Dress I never ever thought I could feel beautiful in that hideous dress, but when you said I looked lovely and followed me out the doors staring at me...I felt like a true beauty queen.

I Kissed Dating Goodbye You predictably saw the book that I planted for you to find. I never expected you to steal it and read it. Your reasoning: "I'm interested in anything you're interested in." Man...that was sexy. After deciding I could never like you I did a 180.

Never Been Kissed You told me how sexy it was that I had never kissed. But just had to add in that you'd like to be the lucky guy. Even with all your experience...you never pressured me at all. You waited a long time. Kind of.

Clock reads 5:00 a.m. All those nights we stayed up talking for hours on end about everything. You became my very best friend. I could tell you anything and you'd never hate me. I could ask anything of you...and you never minded. We shared everything. You'd sit and cry about how you hated yourself even though you knew I thought boys shouldn't cry. "Men should be tough," I thought. I was wrong. But I wasn't wrong in believing that you could change. You're a wonderful person and I still believe that you'll become something great. I believe in you...so much that it makes me cry at night. I refuse to be tough anymore. I wish you'd believe in yourself.

And once you asked me what I was afraid of.(for not wanting to be with you) I told you I was afraid that I'd give you my heart and you'd break it. You said you would never do that.

I Hate You The night you told me you loved me scared me...and I couldn't figure out why. It was because I loved you too and couldn't deal...so I suppressed it and lied. I lied to you when I said I didn't love you. But I loved to hear you talk about me. Maybe it was out of selfishness that I'd say I hated you, only to hear you say, "But I love you." How many times did I tell you I hated you? (a lot)

The Place With No Italian Name Over by Ovation our first "date" occurred. You pretended to be jealous when I pretended to flirt with the salesman just b/c you knew I loved it. We walked to our spot and we sat. It became a frequented location for us. You holding me from behind, underneath the stars. You were a star-watcher...I was not. But I appreciated that you were. I remember that when we were walking and I stepped right in a little puddle and you said, "You know what? That's what I love about you. I would have done anything to step around that puddle, but you stepped right in it. I can tell you're different." And now that I type it, it's corny, but it meant so much. Not that you said I was different, but that you noticed the small things about me...the things that make me who I am. That's what I love about you.

My Unlyricized Ballad You wrote me a song but wouldn't let me hear it until you got done with the lyrics. I told you I hated lyrics and it would lessen the meaning. (you were a musician, not a singer) It really was beautiful. I thank you for that.

Elephant Ears For An Hour I went to the Greenwood fireworks with you and your mother and brother and dog. That was a good time. You gave me a wonderful present and everything was perfect. Your brother never did believe that you would date a virgin.

Gut Wrenching Crying The night he told me that the number on his arm wasn't from a friend, but that he was dating her and she was great was horrible. I was totally crushed. I never would have believed that he would want anyone but me. I've never cried like that in my life. Crying so hard I puked, and when I wasn't puking...I wanted to be. I didn't eat for days...or sleep. Once on the phone I told him that I was so upset because I warned him that we shouldn't be together. I told him that I was afraid that I'd give him my heart and he'd break it, and you know what he said? I'll never forget it as long as I live. He regretfully, sincerely replied, "I never knew you gave it to me." Which was true...he never knew.

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**When I turn 21 I want to drink wine. I want to drink wine with all fancy dinners, even knowing that I will be an alcoholic...just like the rest of my family.**