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Why do you get your wonderful...and you, and you, and you....I hate you all b/c I've never a had a wonderful. Never.

I hate you for coming to my work. After how long? Almost a year now of trying to get over you and you still have to show up. I'm glad I wasn't there. But everyone feels obligated to let me know of your appearance. I think I would have put on a strong face and cute smile and pretended I was okay...but you know me better than that, and I hate you for that, too. Why do you have to be so songs and play with my hands? Why did you tell me how awesome I was, b/c damnit, I believed you. Puddles just aren't the same, and I still haven't entered Toys R' Us, or Ovation...and I don't think I ever will. I'll never date a delinquent again, because I'm tired of believing in people when they just go back to drinking, and they cheat, cheating can be with eyes too. I'm tired of believing. Does it ever stop hurting? or will every boy I ever talk to... break my heart?

I've been weird lately, and I need to change. Not the depression...it's after that....I feel...fake. I hope you see through me, and I hope you forgive me, because I'm not usually like this. I.need.to.change.

It was tough seeing you. Not tough like I was going to cry. Not even jealous, or hurt. I don't know what kind of tough. I guess just a....you're not with me...so anything you're doing makes this tough-kinda tough. But I came to the realization a long time ago that I'm supposed to wait. You just shouldn't look at me like that. I need your sensuality, conversation, sarcasm, and spirituality. I need your intelligence to make me smile when you correct my grammar while we're laughing about silly, unintelligent things. I love everything about you. Later in life, if you're not mine, you will still be the most beautiful man I'll ever see...I don't know who will measure up...my husband...I can't see anyone better. I wish I thought it was me that you're writing about...b/c maybe if I thought it were true...I could make you love me.

I wish I were able to like you back, but these things bother me so much. I want you to hold me but something inside yells "no," then again I've never been so much of a great listener. I plan on changing that.

My habibty, my future husband....no one specific, just whomever he may be...I'm sorry if it seems like I talk about boys a lot. I think about boys a lot. But I think about my future a lot, and just b/c I talk about things doesn't mean I do them, doesn't mean anything is happening. I'm careful with my feelings, because they will affect you someday. I'm sorry for my mistakes. I'm so sorry. I want to be great for you.