Star-lover

You say it's been so long for you, and you do seem so happy to have found her. How lucky you two seem in these moments. I just think to myself...man, it's been so long for me, too. When will it be my turn? It's like I'm in line to turn the big wheel, but everyone keeps cutting me. I'm tired of being sliced by this pain.

But how long has it really been when I still put his gift on my wall and pretend it's all been my nightmare. My demon-infested manger scene. How long has it really been when I still read over unsent notes and write of him and cry. No, I'm not like the kid who gets cut, I'm the girl who's waiting for someone and lets the other kids go in front of her.

I miss being able to call at any hour and not having him care how many minutes I wasted. I miss him knowing when I worked whenever I would forget...and when he didn't know? he'd go check it for me. I miss the pointless aftenoons that meant everything. I miss watching him think he knew it all. (here's how you throw a curve ball) I miss hearing the song he wrote me everytime we talked on the phone. I miss never feeling lonely. I miss his jeans, the way the looked on him, the way they felt. I miss having him play with my hands and tell me I'm lovely. I miss having to shave my legs for him...though it didn't matter to him. I miss loving eyes...you just know that look...the comfortable stare ....and that's what I miss the most..that's what makes me cry. I see it in you. But WHY? Maybe I'm just an amazing dreamer. I'm praying you'll just think I'm amazing.

He was a star-lover, too. Curse the wretched star we called ours...I hope it gets shot.