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So this is my first entry...and I'm sort of excited, but at the same time not.

Here are my goals in writing this online diary:

1) not to always be depressed

2) to not always tell pointless stories

3) to make sure no one I know reads this

That's really about it. This would be easier if I talked because although I type fast I make more sense when I speak.

Today was a bit crappy. Last week all of my friends were mad at me, but this week I am mad at them. [Background: I am not only frightened of the movie "The Ring," but terrified. I don't like to mess with evil and have been scared over it for about 4 weeks now] So I stay the night at my friend's house, and they're like, "I want to watch a happy movie"...We go to sit down and they turn on a movie. I look at the screen and flip out because it sort of looks like part of "The Ring," and so my friend shuts it off. They start laughing, and then she turns it on again...it WAS the movie. I run crying into the next room...but I'm scared to be by myself. I screamed for my friend who is also terrified, and she's laying on the couch with her fingers in her ears and her eyes closed yelling "NO, stop it!" whilst my "friends" are laughing at us...then they tell us that our relationship with God isn't healthy enough or else we wouldn't be so afraid. I'm sorry, maybe yours isn't, because I'm pretty sure God doesn't like people getting pleasure out of scaring me...not with a spider or waterballoons, but with something I believe to be EVIL. Not that I'm judging their relationship with God, I'm just saying...if we're going to play that way...(P.S. turns out my best friend knew all along and didn't say anything to me)

I talked to Stephen Barker the other day. He's my ex-boyfriend from over the summer. He had cried on the phone with me, told me about how he was abused when he was younger, and all the mistakes he had made along the way, but how much he wanted to change. He told me he loved me, made me meet his parents, gave me a gift when he had no money...and then cheated on me. So, when I talked to him he tells me that he's engaged to the girl with whom he cheated on me. It's awful, because I'm not over him. Actually, him telling me that didn't bother me, because I am over HIM in a sense. I just am not over the way that him cheating on me made me feel. Like the repercussions have not worn off yet. Feeling like everyone that loves me is going to turn on me someday. Feeling like I'm never good enough. UGH, it's horrible! I think I am a wonderful person, and if I weren't me, I'd want to marry me. But there's always this little part of me that says...maybe you're not all that, because...he didn't think so. For the most part, I don't care what people think of me, but he was my very best friend. I trusted him with everything. Don't get me wrong, I never had sex with him or anything. Nothing physical actually, I just thought we had this mental bond that made us inseperable. I was wrong. very wrong.

You know how usually people say, "just think of the happy times," implying that everyone only remembers the bad? I never even think of the bad. I just look back and go, "What did I do wrong?" Things were wonderful, and I go on remembering great things. But when I really think about it...there were awful times. Times when he would belittle me when I talked about how someday I wanted to have sex, and it was going to be great. He would say things like, "You don't even know what you're talking about. How can you look forward to it?" I felt stupid. You see, Stephen was a badboy. He had gone to juvy, boys school, was on probation, and even under house arrest. I'm not someone who dates people like that, so it surprised everyone..but me. He was different from those other guys. I know I sound so naive, but...ugh. I believed in him. I knew he could change, and I was going to help him. He wanted to change. Somewhere along the line he got a taste of booty and went back to it all. I don't know. I loved him though. I've never cared about someone like that. I'd cry everytime he went to see his probation officer, because it meant he could be locked away.

Anyway, so now I like this guy, and I'd like to be with him, but Stephen still haunts me. I feel like God is telling me I can't be with anyone until I get rid of these feelings of inadequacy. So I pray and wait patiently.