miss your mark and stand your ground

2 years of entries in this diary...two years...wow.

My heart and soul are revealed through this diary...I don't know why, but everything is released once my fingers start to type. I can breathe after I write. It helps me cry. This diary has gotten me into so much trouble at times...a lot of times actually.

Take me back to the time when Carmela Garcia said "fuck you" to me in her diary over 7 times because I said I liked my depression. Oh how things have changed.

Take me back to the time when I had never kissed, smoked, or drank. A time when I felt pure...at time when I...felt pure.

And that's all gone now. Now I'm the bad kid...I'm that kid I prayed for for so long. I'm that kid.

My life has gone to shit, and I'm the happiest I've been in ...YEARS.

A new boy pops up and I'm still hopeful that I'll have someone to spend Christmas with even if Will wasn't for me. I'm starting to realize that, and it's hard for me. It's not fair that you can have that kind of a connection with a person...and they're not your "wonderful." Because I really believed that he was.

I found a list I made around 3 years ago of the 40 traits of the perfect guy for me. And he must have all of them. Stephen and Mark were missing 7 of them (Stephen was actually missing more, I just didn't realize it then.) Will's missing around 10, probably more. That's 25%...that's a lot.

So there's a new boy, and I hear bad things about him...and here I go again just hoping. He's so fun to talk to...(and I think he adores me already)

I shouldn't...but I miss having my hand held as we cross the street. I miss the hand on my leg as we drive to no where special.

I miss feeling...important to someone.

I miss feeling.