I'm Sorry For Cussing

you always told me that actions speak louder than words...but I'd like to hear those words or see those actions because I'm tired of crying. I just don't like to think about you.

I don't deserve friends. Two weeks of solitude and I thought I was better...one night out and I'm back at everything I thought I had left. I'm cussing again and I'm perverted and all I ever wanted to be was wonderful. Why do I feel the need to perform in order for people to like me. I gave 2 boys boners tonight, and I was proud. That's sick. That's effing sick...what is wrong with me? I need someone who wants to fight this with me because I can't do it on my own and I'm back to ignoring God.

I don't want to...but he only confuses me. I get all these mixed signals and I don't know what's going on. I just want to lock God away and use his morals...because they're working. But this relationship? isn't. God, I love you so much, but when we talk, I get frustrated. I feel like the rich man who won't give everything up. I'll surely end up in hell. This love, and these morals, and these deeds....are nothing.

I'm tired of crying and I need you to relate to me....why don't you love me anymore? Why do you leave me without any reason? Why do you get a new best friend when you always told me that no one could replace me...because no one can replace you.

Damn it all.

I saw you laying in the grass...and I saw him kiss you...and I looked away and concentrated on the music. I ignored the anger that didn't take place. I just drifted away into music.

Stop being so selfish and show me you care. I need you and you know you need me....or maybe I'm all wrong.

Who's gonna strip for me? And like Toy's R Us I won't go into Chi Chi's...corncake makes me sick to my stomach, and I want to burn all memories.

Like a bad break-up...I'm clueless.

I'm rambling without structure and no one will want to read...and I don't care.

I know what you say about me, people overhear and they tell me. I know you think I'm being fake and that's dumb because I'm not a liar. I don't use God like that. And I'm not scared that you'll tell everyone what I did...that's ridiculous....I don't care if you tell the whole world what horrible thing I did or said to you...I just wish I knew what it was.

When we look back on this are we going to cry about the days we missed with each other out of poisoned stubborness? I just need to know I'm not pitiful...because I always run to you. It's always me. And it takes all of me not to run this time. Not to tear these braces off that everyone has put on me, telling me that I don't need you. God...but they don't realize that you shaped who I am. You fucking made me....we grew together.

Stupid fucking advanced keyboarding class.

I'd give away my typing skills any day to rid myself of this inadequacy...

I want to delete this all...